When I was a teenager, I couldn’t see past what was going on right then. I couldn’t picture the future. I couldn’t imagine the lifelong impact of decisions I made as a teenager.

What I wanted was an eraser.  I learned abortion is not an eraser. Old sins have long shadows. 

Abortion is forever.

I had nightmares. I felt like used goods, damaged. Relationships crumbled. I was so angry and miserable. I thought of suicide. I felt unlovable and unforgivable.

Abortion is forever.

I later had two daughters. The joy I felt at their births and childhoods was mixed with emptiness and depression. And I grieved. Because these children could not replace my first baby.

Abortion is forever.

I had no sons. I wondered if my baby was a boy? I watched other women with their sons. And I grieved. What might have been?

Abortion is forever.

As an adult I followed my family’s interest in genealogy. I began to learn how the branches of each family grew from those early beginnings. There would be no future generations from that child. Only emptiness. And I grieved. Because I cut off a branch.

Abortion is forever.

My granddaughter was born prematurely at 28 weeks. She weighed two and a half pounds. She was only 20 weeks older than my first baby. She was a picture of humanity, the humanity of the unborn baby who grows beyond our sight. My granddaughter was 20 weeks older than my first baby, but when my baby died, he had the same fingers, toes, heart and brain as my granddaughter did 20 weeks later. And I grieved. Because I believed the lies that my baby was only a blob of tissue.

Abortion is forever.

This year I lost my mom. I only told her about my first baby years after my abortion. She was never able to know her grandchild on earth. Now she knows him in heaven. And I grieve. For my mom, and my baby.

Abortion is forever.

Through the pain and grief, a light showed in the darkness. God’s love, mercy and forgiveness became a shelter, a home.

Psalm 103 says: Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not His benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, Praise the Lord, O my soul.

Grief is forever, but God.

God forgave me.

God healed my heart.

God showers me with His mercy.

Abortion is forever. On earth.

God is eternal.