I can never forgive myself

When I was 15 I had an abortion. My boyfriend at that time was not in the least bit supportive and didnt care whether I had our child or not, which hurt me very much. I am now 17 and hardly a day goes by without me thinking of my baby and what he or she would have been like. I desperately regret having the abortion, even though the decision was entirely mine. Whenever I see a mother with a young child I hate myself for what I have done. I have a new boyfriend now and weve been going together for 14 months. He knows about the abortion yet he still loves me dearly. Hes in the army and at the moment  so we cant see each other very often -- only every six months. However when he comes home on leave I know he is going to ask me to marry him. I would like to say yes as I really do love him, but I know he wants us to have children and after what I have done I dont know that I could face it.

The terrible grief and guilt will never go away.

I also worry that perhaps Im too young for marriage but as hes in the army and we only see each other rarely, he wants to get married as soon as possible so that we can be together. My abortion is always on my mind. I thought I would forget about it after a while but know I feel that the grief and guilt I feel will never go away. I dont know how I could have done such a thing. If I could only turn the clock back I know I would have my baby and love and care for him or her.

I am at my wits end and truly hate myself. Please help me as I dont know how to cope and cant talk openly to anyone about my feelings. This is the first time Ive had tried to express the sadness and loss I still feel. I would really love to hear from someone who has had to cope with a similar situation or anyone who feels they can offer me some advice.