Dedicated to John and Mary Ann, My Two Angels in Heaven

 

I had my first abortion in 1976 when the fetus was 13 weeks old.  I had it in the hospital and felt very much ashamed of what I had done.  I hated the baby’s father so much. I saw this as a get-even answer.  I was particularly hurt because the baby’s father said he could never marry me because I was German and stupid for getting pregnant in the first place. He was a Jew whose parents survived the Holocaust.  This was like a double whammy. 

My mom told me I was making a mistake and would regret it later.  She was right.  I would not listen. I have since forgiven him and prayed for the boy baby who I named John.

 

About a year later, I found myself pregnant by a married man.  Naturally, he was not going to leave his wife for me.  I felt particularly bad because I kept going to the doctor to see if I was pregnant.  To make a long story short, I didn't find out until the seventh month.  I got another abortion. 

 

In the hospital, they gave me prostaglandin to kill the baby.  Later, the child was delivered dead in my bed.  She was a girl I named Mary Ann.  She was the most beautiful baby I had ever laid eyes on.  I cried my eyes out.  I never told my parents about this one because I was so ashamed over what I had done. 

 

I would never encourage someone in the same position to have an abortion.  I would tell her to stick up for what is right whether she is married or not and not allow herself to be pushed around like I did. I was never the same.  I didn't trust anybody, especially not men. 

 

It was many years before I met someone good.  He knows my past and has loved me in spite of it.

 

Pat