I am 43 years old. When I was young, and first heard of abortion, I was totally against them. I wrote essays in school that I believed the fetus was a spiritual being and pleading the case.

At 18, I became pregnant. It was not planned and totally unexpected. I had such a fear telling my mother and members of my family. When I finally told them, the relief was so great and for 2 days, I thought I was going to keep a baby. It was the happiest time in my life. This happiness was short lived, my mother told me it would kill my father (who was in his 70's) to find out I was pregnant and I should have an abortion. The first words from my boyfriend's mouth were to have an abortion. I did not have one person who would support my decision to have a baby. I was 18, no job, no support and living at home. I didn't even think I had a choice to keep the baby.

I made arrangements with a doctor downtown and he asked me to come in the day before to get some type of stick inserted that would cause me the uterus to enlarge. Not one word was exchanged between the nurse, the doctor and myself while I was having this procedure done. The nurse and the doctor were caring on a conversation about a child have a barmitzpha. I was treated like a slab of meat and it was like I was not even present in that room. The next day I went to have the abortion. The thing was, they were trying some type of experimental procedure where they just give you a local Anesthetic (this was Toronto General Hospital). I was awake through the whole procedure. The horror and the pain were the greatest I ever suffered.

I ended up in the emergency room that night with clotting and severe bleeding from an infection. I stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks.

In the past I had taken pain killers off and on. That time was the starting of an addiction to painkillers.

I had a lot of problems with cysts on my ovaries and had approximately 6 operations. Each operation I felt I was being punished. The final operation was a hysterectomy at 26. I am coming to terms that I may have
stopped this by getting other opinions, doing whatever but I felt I did not deserve to be a mother. I tried to end my life 6 months after the hysterectomy and then again in September of 2002. That was when God turned my life around.

I could not listen to anyone talk about abortion saying how abortion was a sin, it's murder, I knew that in my heart. I could not bear to hear anything on the prolife movement until this year when I saw a newstory about
a Prolife march with Signs saying I regret my abortion and giving testimony. I was so overjoyed because I felt I was being judged by the Catholic church and Prolife and some brave women came out on TV with their heartwrenching testimonies. I starting searching the internet and found a lot of support from Prolife. I am eventually going to go to Rachel's Vineyard, a weekend retreat where women can talk openly about the Pain, shame, fears, guilt and the list goes on.

I regularly go to a Retreat. About 15 years ago I buried my unborn child in the form of a letter in a beautiful place called Rosary Lane. I did this as a suggestion by one of the priests. I had a light post (it was an antique given to me that is lit by candles) that I donated this at Easter to one of the staff there to keep it safe. It found it's home with Sister Sharon and that is an amazing story in itself. One day, I hope to place
a plaque there to dedicate it to my precious unborn child (Peter Adam) and all the other unborn children. I regret the abortion I had at 18. I felt I did not have any choice (how liberating was that) and about 10 years ago I finally felt I was forgiven by God, it's taken a lot longer to forgive my self and the regret.

There is hope and there is forgiveness, I was forgiven years ago right after my abortion and felt such regret and pain. I just had to believe I was forgiven and then forgive myself.

I will be a year and 5 months sober on May 19. My life is a miracle and I cannot tell you how I have been healed in this last year. I finally have peace of mind and contentment.

Wish I could be there with you today to cry with you and give everyone a big hug and pray for all the little ones.

Fly with all of our little unborn angels. There will be a lot of tiny wings to carry you.

Love Krista

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you
apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
Jeremiah 1:5

P.S. I only came to the realization on Mother's day a year ago that I am a mother, a living spirit was formed in my womb. Today I believe that I have a living spirit (Angel) waiting for me and we will be together one day.