Over 30 years ago I found myself pregnant and did not want to be pregnant, so I made an appointment to have an abortion. I was young and desperate for love, so I fell for that person who was going to give me that attention. I was told there is something you can do about it by the clinic, I could get an abortion after all it was legal and used as a means of birth control, being uninformed I thought that sounds easy and harmless, after all I’m too young to have a child and not sure if I wanted to marry that person.
I convinced myself that this was my only alternative, when that day came to go into my abortion appointment. I thought I was going to be greeted by a warm medical staff like many of my doctor’s appointments growing up, instead I was greeted by a cold environment treated like a number and I saw a look of disgust on the faces of the medical staff.
Right before the abortion procedure, I kept thinking God what am I doing? I have a baby in me! As I lay on that ice cold table and room, I then immediately convinced myself that I must do this and I have no other choice.
The sound of that machine and the look on the face of the staff seemed so callous as the abortionist said “relax”! “As if to say you wanted this” tears streamed down my face, but that sound of the machine kept overpowering my thoughts. It seemed like an eternity, then it was finally over, as I Iaid there, I felt like my soul was ripped out of me, I felt so numb but still thought I needed to do this.
After that day, I never thought of what I did again. I stuffed it deep down into my heart and told not a soul. Twenty-five years later I was beginning to experience depression, anger, rage, shame, suicidal thoughts, flash backs of blood, babies crying and feeling like a monster after all I didn’t deserve to have kids or have a happy life after what I had done. Migraine headaches were part of my life twenty days out the month, severe backaches and plenty of emergency room visits for pain relief.
I found healing after desperately wanting help from these ugly thoughts of feeling like a monster and thinking about death and memories from the abortion and knowing I murdered six of my children. After hearing a woman’s abortion story and how she found hope and healing through Jesus, I knew I desperately needed that. Since then, I no longer experience any of those symptoms.
After God’s healing and accepting His love and forgiveness and healing in my life, I will no longer be Silent No More.