I was not raised in a Christian home, I was taught that you would never marry for love there was no such thing, you would marry for money. Both parents were addicts as well. I had sexual trauma at age 8 and had my first abortion when I was 16 years old. The shame, guilt, fear, shock of it all was overwhelming. I could describe the circumstances specifically, however, please hear me when I say I felt alone and didn’t know where to turn. I didn’t think my mom could help me. My mom didn’t have the things I thought would make for a good home, since I saw good homes, good family homes and I knew the one I had was not good.
She was a single mom living on welfare. I had never been taken to church by my parents, they had divorced when I was two. I knew of God and knew He was Holy and would not approve of me having sex outside of marriage, I knew that much. I was In High School, and my best friend and boyfriend gave me one option, abort. (many of girls my age were having abortions, my friend told me that) She told me, It’s not a baby yet , just a blob so do it quickly. We all went together, my BF and my boyfriend they talked and chit chatted as though we were going for a fun ride. I was quiet and numb, everyone was acting so oblivious to what they were going to help me do, terminate my baby.
I kept the silence, nobody else would know my dirty secret. I had two abortion from that same boyfriend who took me to abort my first child. I didn’t want to be “that girl who would abort her baby”. But I was, I shoved all my pain and grief down and I pretended I was a good girl. I kept it quiet… ShSh….. don’t say anything and nobody will know.
By the time I was 23, I had had 3 abortions. My decision to abort took me to a place of self harm and reckless behavior. I became a drug addict and a drug dealer, I almost felt unstoppable. I had no feelings or emotions. My self harm was out of control, this seems to follow an abortion for women like myself.
I had felt dead inside, I now know that is called post-abortion distress syndrome. Pain demands a response and there are many symptoms of post abortion distress, there are real symptoms. We just push it all down and don’t deal with any of it.
I turned to the Lord at age 24 and my life drastically changed. I knew God had forgiven me for the abortion, but there was something going on inside my body. There wasn’t a day that went by I didn’t think about those abortions, I did wonder why God didn’t give me a little girl, he game me 3 handsome boys and not a girl. It hit me one day, my mom said honey it’s too bad God didn’t give you a baby girl, I said he did you took me to abort her. It all came out, what was hidden inside came out into the Light. I knew then I needed to get alone with God and let him in the darkest places of my trauma and secrets. Secretes are not good…we are as sick as our secretes and our secrets make us sick. So much more I know now on this side of healing.
How does something that is a woman’s right hurt so much. Women who choose abortion for what they consider all the right reasons at the time are not exempt from mourning the loss of her child. I know there are many women out here who want to help those who have chosen abortion, I pray we would equip ourselves with going through getting some help for your own loss. Then let’s help those who have chosen abortion. I will never be quiet again, I will never be shushed……I will help any women who wants it.. I am here and it is my greatest desire to help those who are in anguish over their choice, I wish someone would have helped me. Too many of our churches are silent on this issue, the church is for those who are sick, who have trauma like myself, where do we go if not the church.
Linda Cochran writes abortion was taken out of the back alley medically when it was made legal in 1973. Spiritually speaking abortion is still in the back alley. It is a decision that is surrounded by secrecy and shame. Many women suffer a spiritual crisis following abortion.
I am thankful for studies like Forgiven and Set by Linda Cochran, God sent me to a church nearby to take this class, to get help for my 3 abortions and other trauma I had as a child. I am thankful that I humbled my self to the care of Jesus to heal me. He is our maker, our healer for all that ails us. But we must go to HIM and not run, I guarantee that when we don’t get help from our past hurts we will continue to hurt people that never hurt us and live a life of silent pain. Please know there is help for you and me to live a life of Hope and Restoration. May He Restore our Souls.