My husband Vic and I have been married for 33 years. We are the parents of 4 beautiful children. One of them is in heaven. Not realizing the precious gift that God was giving us, my husband and I chose death for our first child. For many years, I could only refer to my first child as an "abortion". It was too painful to personalize the life I chose to take; to call him a child, or a baby.
We were struggling financially since my husband was still a student. A child was not in our plans. Instead of realizing what a precious gift this new life was; we chose to play God, and took the life of our child.
Although my husband and I had been raised Catholic, we were not practicing our Faith, and did not have God in our lives. Since abortion had recently been legalized, we naively rationalized that it was OK. At that time, I thought that if man made a law, it surely must be all right. Sadly, in 33 years since that day the world has many, many more laws that fly in the face of what is God's law...the law that God writes in our hearts...the 10 commandments.
When I went to the abortion clinic, I really can't remember much except that the doctor who performed the procedure, never looked me in the eye, or talked to me. At that moment, there was no doubt in my mind, that we all knew exactly how evil and wrong what we were doing was. Immediately after the abortion, I felt a sense of relief, our "problem" was now solved. When I came home and sat on the sofa, I turned on the television. On the evening news they were showing “the March” in front of the Supreme Court. The date was January 22, the anniversary of Roe v Wade (the date abortion was legalized) and I thought to myself that God would never let me forget the day I killed my baby. Most women wipe the date they took their child's life out of their memory. Instead every year I would have a most painful and public reminder of the day I killed my child. My husband and I went to confess to a priest immediately.
I was in denial about my abortion until 5 years later when we started our family. God was so good and God blessed us with 3 beautiful children. This is when the denial no longer worked. I knew I had killed the oldest sibling of my children. My 3 beautiful children all looked alike . I would gaze at them, and wonder how their older brother looked. Like many abortive women, I "knew" my baby had been a boy. I also suffered during those years while my children were young. I thought that God would punish me by taking the life of one of my living children as a punishment. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop . I didn't have any concept of the Mercy of God, and could not believe that God could forgive me. Most importantly, I could not forgive myself. Every year when the anniversary of Roe v Wade would come around, I suffered whenever there was a mention of abortion in the news. I suffered with anxiety and depression for many years.
After confessing to a loving priest for the umpteenth time, he asked me if I knew that my "baby" was in heaven and prayed that I would forgive myself. Father Joe said that God had forgiven me, but I needed to FORGIVE MYSELF and get help. Around that time, through a local Crisis Pregnancy Center I found a program for women who were suffering from post abortion trauma. Thanks be to God, two beautiful post-abortive women led me and another women who had had abortions on a path to spiritual and emotional wholeness and peace. We had a memorial for our first child and named him Joseph. Joseph was the name of the priest who put me on the path to forgiving myself. I love the name Joseph too because it is the name of Our Lord's earthly father.
God is so good! I have been active in pro- life work since that time, leading Post Abortion Groups, Silent No More. My 3 children, my husband and I know that our family will only be complete in heaven when we are reunited with our much loved "Joseph.” My children have forgiven us as well, for taking the life of their oldest sibling.
Joseph is a part of our family. We pray to Joseph and ask him to intercede for his family in heaven. God has continued to pour out His grace and love on our family! I know that God has forgiven me! He is so good! Our 2 youngest children drove all night from college some years ago to march in D.C. on the anniversary of Roe v Wade, and our oldest son has been studying for the last 7 years to become a Catholic priest.