As far back as I can remember I have always had a very low self-esteem. After several failed relationships that left me feeling less than desirable and not worthy of fighting for, I started to date a friend who wanted to be more than friends.
Who says your first time you can’t get pregnant? This was nearly forty years ago. As there was no crisis pregnancy center, I went into the only place available for help at the time. Planned Parenthood. After performing a pregnancy test, the “counselor” stated it was positive and asked if I was happy about it. Of course, I wasn’t happy about it. I felt very much alone, as my boyfriend had deserted me, after finding out the possibility of my being pregnant. I couldn’t turn to my parents because of shame and fear of disappointment. I felt like there was no one to turn to for help and guidance. A piece of paper was then handed to me with an abortion appointment on it. My friends, at the time, encouraged me to go through with the abortion; after all it was legal. I made the worst choice of my life. A choice I have regretted ever since and one that can't be undone.
The day of the procedure, I found myself sitting in the waiting room, feeling scared and very much alone. I don’t remember too much about the procedure.
Immediately after the abortion, I felt relief and numb at the same time. That relief would only be short lived. For years, I would stuff the feelings of guilt and shame. I was very much afraid that someone would find out my “big secret.” I did try to get on with my life, as society told me to do. My life, at the time, was filled with destructive relationships and no relationship with the Lord.
God did provide me with a wonderful husband and three beautiful children. My husband was the only one I told about my “big secret”. He was and is so supportive of me. My husband and I have experienced a miscarriage; which I believe could be the result of my abortion. At the time of my miscarriage, I thought that God was punishing me for my choice of abortion.
Over time, God has brought other people into my life that have helped me start the recovery and healing process. I had to ask for God’s forgiveness and actually accept it. The hardest thing I had to do was forgive myself. I learned to forgive others I held responsible for part of my abortion experience. I learned that it was all right to grieve my child. God has taken me through many years of healing. He has forgiven me and has even turned the worst choice of my life into something for good. God has provided me with the opportunity to work for Informed Choices, a crisis pregnancy center, and, also, the Silent No More Awareness Campaign.
I know my baby is in Heaven with the Lord. I look forward to the day when I will be reunited with my baby. But until that time, I want to assist other women who may have found themselves in a crisis pregnancy. After years of feeling the pain of shame and guilt, I am finally free, and that is why I am silent no more.