The minute I told my boyfriend I was pregnant, he responded, "you know you're getting an abortion, right?" As I was on a medication that hadn't been tested on pregnant women, he quickly told me he'd never forgive me if I had a baby with birth defects, adding that it wouldn't be fair to the child. I was scared. He was the only person I felt close to so I listened to him.
During the abortion, I experienced pain and regret, immediately. I took the medical abortion pill. I passed blood clots the size of oranges. I felt sick as I flushed my baby down the toilet. I paused for a moment, wondering if I should try to find my baby in the mess of blood clots.
Immediately after the abortion I experienced complete despair. I wanted to die. I wanted my boyfriend to find me. I was ready to die. I was ready to go to Hell because I murdered my baby. I hated myself for a long time.
As time went, I felt and experienced total confusion. I became disconnected from reality. I didn't know what to do with my life. I couldn't stop thinking of what life would be like if I still had my baby. I was drawn to the baby "things," such as clothes and diapers. I tried in vain to get my life in order so I would be prepared when the time was right to have a baby.
I found help and forgiveness through Jesus Christ. I never really knew who Jesus was. When I understood that He was sacrificed to save someone like me, a lowly despicable sinner, my heart cried for joy. I longed for freedom from my sin.