My story begins with losing my virginity when I was thirteen years old. I was raped. The unresolved trauma of rape led me to be very sexually active which resulted in an unplanned pregnancy at the age of sixteen.
It was decided by my parents that I would have an abortion. I claimed I wanted to keep my baby, but I was taken to the abortion clinic against my will. I asked for help from the staff at Planned Parenthood and stated that I was not there willingly when counseled. To my surprise, my cries for help fell upon deaf ears. No one came to save me. I was degraded by the adults there and was told that I was acting like a child. During the ultrasound, I heard my baby’s heartbeat loud and clear. Halfway through my ultrasound I stood up and ran out of the room and found myself up against a door. That is the last thing I remember aside from waking up in the recovery room. I imagine that I was drugged to keep quiet. The staff at Planned Parenthood were concerned that I would scare the other women there preparing for their abortions.
I woke up in the recovery room feeling empty and in a state of total shock. Slumped over in a chair the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was blood; I knew right then that my baby was gone. I felt small, weak, powerless, and violated.
The shame, guilt, and pain I felt left me suicidal. Everything around me was a reminder of the betrayal and murder of my baby. So, not much time passed when I found myself turning to opiates to numb the pain. My boyfriend at the time took advantage of my brokenness and he would physically and emotionally abuse me. I felt so degraded and worthless that I allowed the abuse to continue. It felt like I deserved it all.
My mother confided in a friend about my abortion and she expressed how it was affecting me. By the grace of God, she recommended to my mother that she take me on a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat. During the weekend of my retreat, I was touched by God’s loving embrace, His Mercy and forgiveness. I was finally able to grieve the loss of my child and entrust his soul to Jesus. Our Lord showed me that with and through Him I would be healed, and that I was to go forward to live my life in honor of my child. I believe Rachel’s Vineyard saved my life and that’s why I am Silent No More. Thank you for listening and God bless you.