There was a feeling of absurdity

Pregnant, unmarried at 17 . . . didn't know where else to turn. [My abortion was] the most traumatic experience of my life. It had an impact on my family then (10 years ago) and the family I now have.

Turned my life over to our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ.

I had 2 abortions when I was 18. The first child was sentenced to death because the father and I, although planning to marry eventually, felt we were not ready to be parents. Finances were our main concern. We even had to borrow money from his father for the abortion. Both of our mothers also supported our decision to murder the inconvenient child.

The second child was executed, using Aid to Dependent Children funds, because I was not sure who the father was. The one I believed to be the father did not want this child, either, or me. I had no job and was trying to deal with the repercussions of the first abortion through drug abuse and promiscuity. My mother, again, supported the "choice," and even drove me to the abortuary. The only one who tried to protect the child was the friend of my ex-fiance.

The first abortion was somewhat unreal. There was a feeling of absurdity. I was killing my child, but I could have been having a tooth pulled, judging by how I acted and felt. I even asked to see the contents of the suction machines collection jar, which they had covered. They refused. The second abortion I went through in a daze, as I was very depressed. I vaguely remember the place. I don't recall at all the people or the actual procedure. Afterward, the pain is all I remember.

The first abortion left me unexpectedly grieving for my dead baby. I cried a lot and wrote a farewell poem. Then I began to try to put it behind me. I felt remorse for what I had done, which turned into guilt and shame. I began to doubt myself, my ability to make decisions. I also got angry at my fiance, as it was he who suggested abortion. Eventually, we broke up. I believe the resentment I felt toward him is what caused me to try to hurt him by being unfaithful. We talked about it once, 5 years later. He said, "We shouldn't have done that." How true!

The second abortion served to confirm the doubts I had about myself. Only a totally screwed-up person would get in this situation twice, right?

I didn't realize I had a problem dealing with the abortions until I contacted Women Exploited By Abortion ten years later. Looking back, the low self-esteem, drug abuse and promiscuity were the effects; depression and panic attacks were the results of trying to justify, rationalize and hide the truth. I tried counseling, which didn't help. Realizing that I had sinned, repenting, asking forgiveness of God through Jesus Christ, and learning to forgive and accept myself; and working to help end abortion and aid others hurting from it has helped me heal and become whole.

Because of abortion and the pain it causes, I have come to know God. That has changed my entire life.