Almost twenty years ago, I had an abortion. I was young, scared and, quite frankly, very naive.
The heartache of realizing that I had taken the life of a totally innocent child has affected my entire life, how I feel about myself, and the way I view others.
For years, I hid this secret from my loved ones and my friends. I tried to bury it and it began to feel like a story that I had read - not one I had actually lived. But, indeed it was reality. The day I made that terrible decision haunts me constantly – it is ever-present. I cannot tell you the times I have walked through the halls of that Planned Parenthood clinic in Memphis in my mind and felt the coldness of the staff.
I was brought up in a very disciplined, fine Christian home with loving parents who had us in church and emphasized right from wrong. I became a Christian when I was 12-years-old. I attended a Christian high school and a fine Christian university. But, despite all of that, I tripped and I fell. I went into such a state of rebellion that I never knew if God could pull me out, or for that matter, if He wanted to. That is when I made the terrible decision that would affect the rest of my life.
On that day, when crying in physical pain on that procedure table, I remember how the nurse jerked her arm away from my outreached hand. I remember pleading with her, “Why won’t you help me?” and all she did was stare at me as I cried. I have never felt so alone as at that moment. I was nothing to her or the doctor or anyone in the clinic.
Over the years, I began to figure how old my child would be. I began to think of possible names that I would have called him. I thought of all the wonderful times we could have had. And I came to the damning conclusion that I had indeed taken the life not only of a child, but my own child. In addition to the mental anguish I heaped upon myself - I continually had Satan, the great accuser, coming to me pointing his crooked little finger saying what a terrible person I was, what a terrible thing I had done.
But, you know what? My Redeemer Lives! My God, My Savior, the Creator of the universe, reached down to such a worm as me and He made me whole again. My God is so good, so unconditionally loving that He never, never left me.
For years, I held the memory of that day deep down inside of me until I shared my testimony for the first time in my Sunday School class at church in front of 80 people. God opened the floodgates of peace like I have not experienced - such tremendous peace, such overwhelming joy - I then knew the fullness of the forgiveness of Christ. So, that is the message I want to send to other women and men who have not experienced this healing.
There is a song that says it all that goes like this:
It happened so long ago
And I cried out for mercy back then.
I pled the blood of Jesus.
Begged him to forgive my sin.
But, I still can't forget it.
It just won't go away.
So I wept again, "Lord, wash my sin."
But this is all He would say:
What sin?
Well that's as far away as the east is from the west.
What sin?
It was gone the very minute you confessed.
Buried in the sea of forgetfulness.
Statistics say that 70% of women who have had abortions call themselves Christian; 1 in every 6 say they are regular church attenders, so, I know my story is not an unusual one. There are women in our churches who are suffering.
And thus, my story is repeated thousands upon thousands of times with women all over our country every right at our backdoor - in my church and in yours. Perhaps you've had an abortion or you helped someone obtain an abortion. Please know there is forgiveness. And the rest of that song is to you:
The heaviest thing you'll carry
Is a load of guilt and shame.
You were never meant to bear it
So let it go in Jesus' name.
Our God is slow to anger
Quick to forgive our sin.
So let Him put it under the blood
Don't bring it up again.
Cause He'll just say,
What sin?
Well, that's as far away as the east is from the west.
What sin?
It was gone the very minute you confessed.
Buried in the sea of forgetfulness.
--Myra, TN