When I was 20 years old, I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t married, but I decided to have my child, even if it would mean by myself.  Honestly, I really wasn't looking ahead at the time.  I didn't have many goals and I was just living for the moment and not giving much thought to what was ahead. So when I got pregnant again, I decided that I couldn't have another child for a number of reasons.  The biggest reason was fear - fear that my family would reject me, they wouldn't love me anymore and that I wouldn't get the help I needed. I already was struggling to get by - working full-time, taking care of my seven-month-old daughter, being in a rocky relationship with her father and not getting very much support from either his family or mine.

I wasn't talking much to God during this time in my life. I was just doing whatever I wanted to do and I had almost completely shut Him out. I wasn't considering what He wanted or had planned for my life at all.  So there I was, pregnant again, and feeling overwhelmed, scared and alone.  I made the choice to have an abortion.  That day was the worst day of my entire life and I am not just saying that for effect or shock value.  It was a really really dark time and the aftermath of my choice took me years to climb out from under. Abortion does not end when you come out of the "out-patient procedure" empty-handed and empty-hearted. Abortion is a loss that impacts you for the rest of your life.
 
I think if women really understood what it was like, instead of our understanding just being reduced to the heated debate over choices and beliefs that swirl around us in the media, in our church groups, it would change our perspective and open our eyes to the truth so we can make better decisions before it is too late.

The procedure was extremely painful. I had no idea how painful it would be because that part was hidden from me. It was explained in cut and dry terms and there was no mention of emptiness, desolation or the pain you experience. The cramping afterwards was worse than any cramping I had ever experienced and can last several hours, even days afterward. There was a temporary relief because I thought it was over with, but that was quickly replaced by a black hole of emptiness that took over.  Abortion is a death of someone and part of you dies with them. However, I wasn’t allowed to grieve openly, especially because I had hidden my choice. So I tried to bury it and go on with life, but it resurfaced again taking on the forms of depression, anger, feelings of total worthlessness, fear, even thoughts of suicide.

We miss important truths during our ferocious arguments about whether or not women have a “right to choose." About a year and a half later, I was having a hard time even getting myself out of bed in the morning.  I honestly didn’t think I could go on with life, the pain was so bad inside that I wanted to die. I can’t imagine the number of women who have suffered through the choice of this procedure and still are carrying feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness around inside of them. There have been 50 million abortions since Roe vs. Wade legalized abortion in 1973, and yet people are so proud of this, like it was progress. You want to tell me that wanting to die is progress or hope of a better life?

Well, God’s will for my life wasn’t to give up and die. He wanted to help me! The Lord was faithful to show me where He wanted me to go from there.  He brought me to places where my daughter and I were shown love and I was learning about the truth of His Word. It was steadily healing me. I was able to go through a post-abortion recovery group at a local crisis pregnancy center and I received even more healing and peace.

I am honored to share my story with you.  It’s for God’s glory, not mine.  If you have gone through a similar experience I pray God’s blessing, peace and healing for you in The Blessed Name of Jesus.  He is able to give you beauty for ashes and joy for mourning.

One last thing I want to share. After I went through the post-abortion study I was able to name my baby.  I didn’t think that I had a right to name him before, but I asked the Lord what I would have had and I believe my baby was a little boy.  I named him Galen Malachi, which means calm message.  This is dedicated to him and this is my calm message to you to choose life.