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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

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Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously


 
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I Am Pro-Life
Abigail
Virginia, United States

It had never occurred to me to really think about unplanned pregnancy.  I was a good girl, a smart girl, my mother worked for Planned Parenthood and a private abortion clinic! 

I called my boyfriend and told him.  He didn't want me to have an abortion, but he wasn't ready to be a father, so we agreed that adoption was our best choice. I went to see a counselor the next morning.  When I told her I was pregnant, she said "Congratulations!"  I wasn't expecting her to lay out a complete solution in short order.  I had been raised to believe that pro-lifers hated women and were never interested in helping pregnant women or their babies. 

My mom called around noon.  I told her about my discussion with the counselor and she blew up at me (predictably).  I gave in.  I got a call that afternoon from the counselor.  I told her what my mom had said.  I remember that conversation, so clearly, more clearly than anything else about my abortion.  I said: "I HAVE NO CHOICE."  I skipped my classes for the rest of the week, and alternated between curling up in bed and crying, and drinking until I passed out.

Since I was a VIP, I wasn't going to be looking at the fetal development pictures, having any counseling, or doing a waiting period.  There were about eight people in the room, including my mother, myself, and the doctor.  I was in a lot of pain and just wanted to go home to bed. 

The flight back was barely manageable - I limped to my seat and left a bloodstain when I got up.  I couldn't get back to my dorm fast enough, to lock myself in my room and drink until the pain - and everything else - went away.  I tried to act normal once I was back at college, but I still felt empty and numb.  My boyfriend's grades started to plummet as he spent more of his time and energy on drinking and partying.  In the space of a few months, I had gone from bright, hopeful young honor student with perfect boyfriend and prestigious university, to… what?  I didn't know.  I spent endless nights in my room weeping and cutting and burning myself.  I had nightmares all the time - when I could sleep.  

When I was 22, I met my current husband.  We were married a year and a half later.  It took eight months for us to get a viable pregnancy.  When we found out it was twins, I felt like, in some way, my dead baby was being replaced.  I lost one of the babies at seven months gestation, the other was born full-term and healthy.  I wouldn't let myself grieve over his sister.  When he was seven months old, we started trying to get pregnant again. 

It took six months and one early miscarriage.  My second son was born on Valentine's Day.  I quickly descended into postpartum depression.  A few months after that, I lost my endometrium to early-intervention cancer treatment - and with it, my ability to have more children.  The tipping point was when my older son was diagnosed with autism, and all of the support groups and websites were Christian.  I tried asking on atheist sites, but the response was, "I'm sorry you weren't able to find out and abort him in time."  The thought of not having my son, difficult though his condition sometimes is, was unthinkable.  It is worth noting that I considered myself pro-life - although not an activist - for ten years before coming to belief in God.  I am pro-life because the negative physical and mental effects on women outweigh the positive of "not having to have a baby"; and the fetus, from the moment of conception, is a separate human being with unique DNA, who deserves the right to life as much as any person, regardless of their state of weakness, helplessness, or dependency.  
~~~~~
"When it is the Lord's work in which we rejoice, we need not be afraid of being too glad." - C.H. Spurgeon


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