Thirty-one years ago I had an abortion because I was in a relationship that I was in the process of ending. I didn’t want my life to change, I didn’t want my freedoms limited and I wanted to go to college and believed that I wouldn’t pursue my education if I had a baby. I thought that I would be much better off and happier if I terminated the pregnancy. There was an older woman I worked with who told me how to go about getting the abortion. No one told me that I would regret this decision. Within a day I had an appointment to have the abortion.
At the clinic I wasn’t given any counseling whatsoever.
During the abortion procedure I couldn’t help but feel that the doctor was irritated with me. He gave me the impression that he was disgusted that girls like me were making him have to do this job.
Immediately after the abortion I felt relieved that I was no longer pregnant. I decided not to think about it and I really was unaware that I had any pain over it. It was as if it had happened to someone else. Because you can’t mourn over something you can’t feel.
I no longer wanted to continue in school so I dropped out of college and proceeded to get involved in relationships which weren’t healthy-I was partying and doing drugs. I had no desire to have children. But if you would’ve asked me if the abortion was the cause, I know that I wouldn’t have known it at the time.
After I found Jesus Christ as my Savior which was 25 years ago, I was encouraged to confess any past sin in order to keep the enemy from using it against me. I acknowledged the guilt of my sin at that time, but didn’t know the gravity of it-- not even a little bit. Many years later I began to realize that I had actually taken the life of my child. I had a vision of meeting my child in heaven and when I saw him I knew who he was immediately. I saw his whole personality, his potential, his impact on others in his life and I saw that I was responsible for taking all of that away. God met me in that grief. He absolved me, comforted me and restored me. This revelation was a gift, because you can’t mourn over something you can’t feel.
Several years after that I had another revelation. I heard a young woman talking about how her peers had been taken away by abortion and I knew that I was guilty of taking away my sister’s nephew, my niece’s cousin, my father’s grandson, etc. That brought a new sense of the impact of what I had done. God again met me in that grief. He absolved me, comforted me and restored me. This revelation was a gift, because you can’t mourn over something you can’t feel.
Over the last 24 years God has shown me the repercussions of the choice I made, and with every new revelation He has given me opportunity to grieve over the choice I made. He has then forgiven and restored me and has filled my heart with joy where all the pain used to be.
In 2009, I attended a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat. I wanted to make sure that I could confidently refer other women there. All of the same steps the Lord had worked in my heart over the past 24 years were included in the weekend. It was a place where women could get in touch with the emotional pain they have been disconnected from. I highly recommend it to anyone either suffering or not suffering from a past abortion. Why do I say “not suffering”? If you have had an abortion and you have been forgiven- you may believe that you have also been healed. But if you have never felt the pain and grief associated with that day, I can tell you that there is much healing to be done. It is unnatural for a woman to kill her child and feel nothing. You can’t mourn what you can’t feel. That is an indication that you have not been healed. Please attend a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat and allow God to bring to the surface the part of your soul which you have locked away. He will heal you completely if you give Him the chance.
I wrote a song about my experience and the refrain goes like this:
Where’s the shame? Covered with Christ’s blood
Where’s the pain? Being healed by God’s love
Where’s the truth? It’s a sharp sword in my mouth
Where’s the fear? By Love it’s been cast out!
In my life I have exercised all of my reproductive rights. I have 6 children here on earth and I have had 4 miscarriages including a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, but of all those choices I made, there is only one that I regret- My abortion. That’s why I am silent no more!