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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

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Hope for Life
Pamela
North Carolina, United States

I was raised in the church and at 10, I came before the church and accepted Christ.

At 17, the end of my junior year in high school, my father took his life and everything changed. I walked through my senior year in a fog. The trauma of suicide and the pain of losing my father overshadowed everything that made sense in my life. I then completely walked away from the church and the God I had grown up believing. The loss of my earthly father to suicide and then to push away the Lord would only prove to be emotional and spiritual suicide.

At 19, I married the guy I had met at 15 and without any counseling over my father's death or the breakdown of my family, I had absolutely no business getting married and having children because children deserve parents who will give their whole selves to them.

By 26, with two small children and a failed marriage, I had fallen into depression and was in financial, emotional and spiritual bankruptcy. My soul was dead and that would dictate every choice I would make from there on out. My focus then turned not towards those beautiful girls, but away from them and to a desperate search for what had been ripped away and could never be filled with anything but God.

My track record of bad choices peaked when at 27 I became pregnant and chose to have an abortion. When the soul dies, there is a numbness that takes over the mind and body and choices are made that can devastate our Lord. Trauma and pain that lingers deep within only to be released in His perfect time, is a testimony of His love and grace for the sinner.

In April 1996, God met me right where I stood; right in the midst of all the ugly mess I had made of my life. I was out with friends at a bar when a man walked into the room. I couldn’t even see his face, but I knew he was there for me. I even told the girls I was with that he was the one and from that moment, my path completely changed. No more drinking, no more smoking, no more searching for something to fill that hole in my heart. I began to place my trust in the Lord again and didn't even know it. For whatever reason, I trusted this man. We began dating and were married two years later. Three years after that, God blessed my marriage with two more children—twins. 

Over the past few years, I have been able to see the process of healing in my life—from the abortion first, then the buried pain of my father's death. During the post-abortive retreat I attended, it was suggested that you return to the site of the abortion. So I did. I walked in there and asked about when I was there and how far I was. Of course, they do not keep detailed records, but when I walked out, it was if the Lord was carrying me. I felt like I was in a cloud. About my father, I used to have dreams where I would see him, but he would not know who I was. It was heartbreaking. He would be a lot younger and my dream would always take me to the house I lived in until I was nine. A couple of years ago, I finally reconciled and gained sense of peace over his death. I dreamed I was in a room like a banquet hall and there were a lot of tables with white linens, fine china and crystal. It was absolutely beautiful. I looked around and there he was sitting at a table across the room. He then got up from the table, walked towards me and he knew who I was. He then walked away and disappeared. It was such a peaceful feeling.

Since he was laid to rest, I could never find his grave. I couldn't remember where it was in the cemetery. I knew the area, but for some reason, I couldn't find it. I had to finally go to the cemetery's office and ask for directions. The man walked me to my father's grave, helped me to find landmarks in the cemetery to find it and then he walked away. I then dropped to my knees and just cried. It was all I could do. I knew he wasn't there, but just as I had done with my heavenly Father, I needed to go back to that certain place and tell my earthly father how sorry I was for the life I had lived and for the choices I had made.

Through my reading, studying, research and a lot of prayer, I have come to see that this pain and numbness has a name. It's called post-traumatic stress. It takes over your emotions and your life and you withdraw from the world and from those who mean the most to you. Sadly to say, my daughters were both caught up in the midst of an emotionally unstable mother. I really don't think I could have made it through without them.

I attended a post-abortion retreat in 1996 which helped me get through one layer of the mess I had made. After a few years, I was then able, by God's grace, to understand and face all that I had done. In the midst of the Lord's healing, He gave me one word that helps me to face everyday... HOPE. Thus, Hope for Life Ministries was brought about.

As with all of us, my life today is full of ups and downs, good days and bad days, for me there are days that seem moment to moment as if every minute or hour is challenging emotionally, and also continued healing. It is my faith in the Lord alone that carries me through each day. No matter what happens, I know the Lord is with me and I know that I can trust Him with everything from the scars of my past when they try to re-open to the bright future that lies ahead promised by the Lord.


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