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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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In The Arms of Jesus
Florida, United States

I didn’t have a voice. I had to kiss my child goodbye.           

In October of 2006, I found out I was going to be a father for the first time. My girlfriend of six months was pregnant with our child. Neither of us planned this pregnancy, or had even talked about the possibility of getting pregnant. That was about to become my biggest regret.

Like I said, I wasn’t ready to have a child. She said she couldn't go forth in having a child and needed to have an abortion. She went to the nursing staff at Boston College a week or two after she found out she was pregnant. The nurse at BC told her that she would be better off having an abortion, and told her where she could get one. I didn’t make a big deal of it at the time because I wanted her to stay calm and positive.

My mom was pretty supportive when I told her about it. She said she would be willing to talk to my girlfriend and offer assistance and help. I brought her to a crisis pregnancy center in Boston when she was five-weeks pregnant, so that she could explore her options other than having an abortion. The women at the center set up a date for her to get an ultrasound so she could see her child. We went to get her first ultrasound when she was five-weeks pregnant. We weren’t able to see much at this point, but we did see the heartbeat of our child. The sonographer said it was too early in the pregnancy to see our baby and to come back in 2 1/2- 3 weeks. We came back 3 weeks later for another ultrasound and that’s when we saw our baby. Our child was at eight-weeks gestation and had fingers, toes, eyes, everything. My girlfriend said to me, “I don't want our child to end up like you, and I said, “What about me?” She said, “You shake a lot and have trouble in school.” That broke my heart to hear that because of all the progress I have made over the years, and the fact that she would put conditions on her love for her child and that the condition of her baby would change whether she wanted her baby to live or not.

You see, before I was born I developed hydrocephalus which is fluid on the brain. Many babies that are diagnosed with this in the womb are aborted. My parents were told by the doctor that I would be born deaf, blind, developmentally delayed or dead. On top of that when I was born, I had so much fluid in my brain that the pressure of it caused a brain hemorrhage. I had to go through speech therapy, therapy to regain balance, and had learning disabilities in school. I was also called stupid, dumb, retarded, and told by some of my teachers that I simply wouldn't be as smart or be able to learn like the other kids because of my hydrocephalus. I didn't have any of the conditions that they said I would have which I am grateful for. What if I did though? Would my life be any less valuable? Would I be any less of a human being? Of course not. 

Also during the ultrasound, I saw and heard my child's heart beat and I cried. It was a very overwhelming and beautiful experience for me, until she looked over at me and said: “What are you crying about? Worms have heartbeats too.” Her sister had offered to pay $500 for her to get an abortion. She insisted she was going to get the abortion, was planning to get one that weekend, and broke up with me right before.

I called the abortion clinic and asked what my rights were; they said “You don't have any, and don’t call back.”  I then asked them, "What do you do with the aborted babies? I want to bury my child.” They told me that it wasn't a child, it was a fetus, and to never call again or they would involve the police, and if I showed up on Saturday to try to stop my girlfriend from having an abortion, they would have me arrested. My hands were tied. I, as a father, had no legal right to protect my child from a death committed by a “doctor.” I called everyone imaginable to see what my rights were and I got the same answer: “Nothing.”

The week before my child was aborted, I went to try one more time to ask the mother of my child to not do this. But she was adamant about having an abortion and told me to leave. So I then asked her if I could do one last thing before I left, she told me that was fine. I then got on my knees and kissed the stomach of the mother of my child and said, “I love you, and Daddy will see you in heaven.” I then took the ultrasound pictures and left.

The day my child was aborted was a very painful day for me. I was informed that my child had been aborted in the afternoon on December 2, 2006. It was the most painful experience I have ever been through. My relationship ended with the woman that I thought I was going to marry, and I lost my first child.
I didn’t want to go on; I was in too much pain. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I had nightmares of my child being aborted. The day after the abortion, I went to see my pastor and he suggested that I have a memorial for my unborn child. I took his advice and had one the following Sunday at his church. I had my parents and a few friends come. It was a short ceremony, but very painful. I never thought that my child would meet God before I did. After that day, things were still very painful. I still couldn’t sleep or eat, and thoughts of suicide filled my head every waking hour.

I joined Bible studies, and post-abortion Bible studies as much as possible. Those were the only people that I felt that could understand me. The man is really not allowed to grieve the loss of his unborn baby. I was told things like: “Your child wasn’t even born, so get over it.” “It wasn’t a baby yet,” or even people saying, “Your child deserved to die.” None of those things helped me heal and just put me in more of a state of depression. However, I was so blessed to find some peace and healing with God through the Catholic Church and many wonderful people in the pro-life ministry.

That winter I was invited to a Right to Life March in Concord, New Hampshire. I thought it might be healing, so I went. While I was there, I met a man that ran crisis pregnancy centers in New York City. After speaking to him for awhile, he invited me down to NYC for the summer. I decided to go down and give it a shot.

On July 12, 2007, the day my child was supposed to be born, I went to NYC for six months to serve God and help men and women in situations like I was in. While I was there, I counseled around 500 men and women, and through God, saved at least 100 lives from abortion. After counseling in NYC, I moved back to Manchester, New Hampshire where I did crisis pregnancy counseling, helped coordinate 40 Days for Life, helped refugees transition to American life, and ran various programs helping men heal from their past at the local jail. I also did sidewalk counseling, counseling in centers, and started speaking to different churches and events, sharing my testimony and how abortion affects men around the country.

Since then I worked as Executive Director of New Life Pregnancy Center in Taos, New Mexico, and am currently the Executive Director of A Woman’s Answer Medical Center in Gainesville, Florida.

I hope my story can help people make better choices. This whole ordeal has made me see that abortion, our sexuality, and the value of our own bodies are not just any other “issues”. This is about life and death. These decisions are not to be made lightly. As sad and difficult my experience has been for me, several good things have come out of it - a closer relationship with God and a transformation and conversion of how I was living my life and a re-dedication to remain chaste until marriage.

Through my pro-life work, I have also met Jennifer, my wife and the love of my life. Jennifer puts God first and has the same beliefs and values as I do. A few months ago, she gave me her chastity card that said, “I am saving myself for you until marriage.” It made me cry because it was the most beautiful gift I have ever received. Our work together has strengthened our bond because we are constantly learning what going against God’s plan in marriage brings, and then on the other hand, the great miracles of life that come from it.

Whenever you do God’s work with your significant other, it helps bring you even closer. Jennifer and I have learned so much about each other and are each others biggest fans. So even though I never got to meet my child, I miss my baby every single day. I know my child is now in the arms of Jesus and one day, I will meet him and hold him in heaven.


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