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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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My Son
Utah, United States

Throughout my life one of the leading political causes that I was the have been passionate about has been keeping abortion legal. I've felt so strongly about this that I would frequently be caught saying things such as "that's not a baby it's a blob of tissue, get over it". I also argued it so aggressively that I on more than one occasion, lost friends with unchanging pro-life opinions to the debate. I have been in denial for the past year, but my opinion seems to be shifting heavily on an issue that has for so long defined me. I am shocked and confused by this, as are many who have known me for a long time.

A series of occurrences in my life has brought me to a new line of thinking and after some intense emotions and nightmares I think it's finally time to write down my thoughts in hopes that telling my story will help with the healing process, something I desperately need.

Four years ago, I moved from Philadelphia back home with my (at the time) boyfriend. This was a person that I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Someone I would have (and did) do anything for. Promises of getting married and setting the world on fire with our passions. We were unstoppable super heroes that were going to travel the Earth and never look back!

A few months before I was supposed to leave on a European tour with a band I played guitar in, I found out that I was pregnant... A child conceived under a painting of Kali Ma, the Hindu Goddess of Maternal creation and of destruction, appropriate. When I found out the news, my head spun in circles. Excitement because this is a child we had talked about wanting; fear because this was a time in my life that was terrible for it and nervousness because I didn't know how my boyfriend would react. I knew he wanted children and we'd talked about it many times. How great of parents we would be together, how much we could love a child... Seemed like a no brainer really, except for that we had just gotten back together after being broken up for over a year.

His reaction was not exactly what I expected. In the midst of our honeymoon happiness phase we had this dark cloud hanging over us...

We were on a flight together and there was a little girl sitting next to me and someone asked if she were mine, I had to hold in the tears because I knew what would be in store for us/ me. He drew me a picture and passed me a note and said "Someday... don't be sad". The decision had been made. I was to terminate the pregnancy. I guess this was an easy decision for him because there were (at least) two previous girlfriends of his that had abortions with him. One when she was very young and one who was well into her second trimester of pregnancy. She told me she had actually seen the child moving inside of her on an ultrasound... She also told me that he wouldn't even come to the hospital to get her when she found out she was pregnant. This should have been a sign. In the kindest possible way I was given an ultimatum. He didn't want to have a child and I was to get rid of him/her "it" or we couldn't be together.

When we went to the abortion clinic for the consultation they took me in a room and asked me a few times if I was SURE this was my decision, I really should have spoken up, and I should have been stronger. They sent me home with literature and an appointment to come back. As soon as we left, he took the literature from me and said "you don't want to look at this" and threw it in the trash. What would looking at that have done? Would it have changed my mind? Would it have altered my decision? Would the photos of babies in utero cause something to awaken? I'll never really know; I figured he knew best and I wanted to do what was best for our relationship.

I had chosen to use RU-486 (the abortion pill). I figured, the less invasive the medical procedure the more detached I would be from it. I wanted to make sure I could have it done this way, or the decision would have been different. I went in; they took an ultrasound and made sure I was aware "oh, it's about the size of a piece of rice". A piece of rice? Oh that's nothing right? That's as if I am going to bleed out a piece of rice, a piece of rice isn't a life... a piece of rice is nothing! That can't possibly be anything of significance. They gave me a pill to take which I did with hesitance, and another one to take at home. There was no turning back now. If you take RU-486 and the pregnancy continues there are apparently severe birth defects... I took the other one some hours later (as instructed) and waited... Cramps, pain, the bleeding started. Many hours beyond that, I went to the bathroom and saw the life that was inside me. What I saw was far from a grain of rice. I saw a distinguishable head and body and a grain of rice does certainly not have that, I will never forget it. I came out of the bathroom and told him. He was uninterested and relieved that it was over. That was that... Him sleeping soundly and me, haunted with the image of aborting a very tiny life, and bleeding for over a month beyond that as a reminder. How many lives meet this fate? Flushed like a goldfish...

Surprisingly, not long after that... we broke up. Ironically and superstitiously the day I had beaded and started wearing a necklace with Kali Ma on it. I had destroyed her creation, she was destroying us. She wasn't destroying us... his violence, temper, and inability to be faithful destroyed us. I couldn't let go of him. I felt betrayed, scared. He promised me we would be together and I was determined to do everything I could to make it work, regardless of how abusive he became. In hindsight, I know I was trying to justify the murder of our child by fighting like hell to stay together. I can't regret anything to do with him/ us because I wouldn't have the son I have today had I thought clearly, and I will never regret my beautiful son.

Trying to distract myself I went on tour filling in on bass for a band. I was so used to being around others that shared all the same political views as me I was shocked to find out that two guys in the van were pro-life (one being one of my best friends). I made an attempt to argue with them over it and then forgot about it. Halfway through tour (in North Carolina) I picked up a zine and looked at it. It turned out to be a zine that one of the pro-life guys had written an article for. As I flipped through I saw photos of fetal growth and my heart sunk. Unsuspecting to be met with these images that I had been consciously avoiding, I gazed on in horror. It sat for a few days before I had a complete breakdown. Hysterical, I cried to my friend about what I had done and couldn't think straight. My mind was literally spinning with flashes of light. The rest of the tour was kind of a daze for me after that.

Back to my life, I was more determined than ever to get home and try to get our "relationship" to work. I was convinced he was just scared and I just needed to remind him that we just needed to put in some work together. For another year, it was off and on with us. Negativity, abuse, as a strong woman I should have run screaming and not looked back. But as a woman in need of healing and grasping for a reason to make sense of the life we had taken, I continued to fight. I know now I wasn't in a rational state of mind for much over a year when I was with him... but it seemed like the good was enough reason to put up with the bad. It wasn't.

The last night I was ever with him we had sex... I knew that was the last time and I was done with him, the abuse, and the negativity forever.

Weeks later (the day before leaving on tour again) I took a pregnancy test. Positive.
While traveling, I got a series of text messages including messages prompting me to end the pregnancy, offering to go with me to get an abortion and pay for it, telling me that I am not ready to have a child, telling me that I will be raising the child alone, telling me "maybe you shouldn't be such a slut and go over to guys houses to have sex with them as well as "I hope you die giving birth". Starting with nice, and ending in violent. I needed this as a reminder. This was empowering and this was reason for me to gather the strength to eliminate him from my life for good. A week later, I saw him with another girl and got an email from him telling me "I only used you for sex". Pretty harsh thing to say to a sexual assault survivor, but not unexpected in the least.

As my son grew, I went to regular visits with my midwife. The first time I heard the heart beat was not long after the same time, I had aborted the first child. There he was, growing every day inside of me. Reminding me of what I had done. Feeling his movement, his growth. Seeing him grow in his ultrasounds... I doubt I will ever fully come to terms with what I was a part of but, my son growing, learning, laughing... Reminds me that I need to look to the future and the positives of my life. I also hope that maybe I can help other women who are conflicted about the decision and tell them my experience.

I wish I had been open minded enough to listen, to learn... like I said before, my life would be very different right now and I wouldn't have my son so, regret is something I try to avoid. It certainly would have certainly been much easier if I could have maintained the "there are too many people in the world, destroy this blob of tissue" mentality... But now that I know my son, I am gladder than ever that I did not.

My son is over a year and a half now, sometimes I don't feel like I deserve him. He's incredible and I couldn't possibly imagine loving any person more... I am glad that his sperm donor has never attempted to make contact because having him out of my life is the healthiest possible thing for me, and my son. I couldn't bear to have my son’s heart broken the way mine was repeatedly.

I still have nightmares about the abortion, about the child, about the doomed relationship. I think every day about that child and how old he/she would be... about how my/our selfishness and stronger desire for a doomed relationship terminated a life. I am trying to move on, I am seeking an active solution and hoping after writing this I can move forward and begin healing. I only hope the person on the other side of this story, someday realizes the pain he has created in his wake...


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