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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

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Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously


 
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Grace and Peace
Janice Trice, Regional Coordinator
Arkansas, United States

I wish someone had told me that I would remember every moment of the day I had my abortion, every small detail, what seemingly well meaning people said to me, and even the color of the furniture and faces of the other women waiting to have their "problem" taken care of.  There were so many, and I shudder when I begin to multiply in my mind the number of lives affected by just one abortion facility.
 
I was the normal woman seeking an abortion.  I was raised in a church, taken by my parents faithfully every time the doors were opened, knew the difference between right and wrong and knew exactly what sin was.  I left home and journeyed across the country to attend college, completed my education and got a job with every intent of becoming successful in my career, but somewhere along the way, I left my faith.  Not suddenly, but over the course of a few months into my new job, I stopped going to church and began to value my career above anything else. 
 
Then I met my soon to be husband, and we began our whirlwind courtship which would result in his proposing three months later.  Things seemed wonderful, and we began sleeping together.  The wonderful was quickly gone when I began to suspect I was pregnant.  The euphoria of new love was replaced by fear and shame.  I had an appointment at a women’s clinic for birth control already in place, so the next day I went to the clinic and took a pregnancy test.
 
The nurse called me over next to her by the counter where my blood test results were, and I remember her watching me closely as I watched the positive result materialize.  The first question she asked was "is this a good thing?"  Of course, my response was "no", and she asked me to go ahead and go to the exam room and wait on the doctor.
 
Having watched several documentaries about the abortion industry, I see now just how evil it was and still is.  The doctor and his nurses knew exactly what to say to me and how to say it, so that when they offered me the services of the abortion clinic they ran three nights a week in the very office I was sitting in, I believed it would be a quick and painless solution to the problem I had, and I truly believed they had both my and my future husbands best interests at heart.  We both felt relief that this was a solution that meant no one would ever have to know about our sin. We were so very, very wrong.
 
I was given a number to call to schedule my appointment separate from the main clinic phone number, under the guise of protecting my privacy, and sent home to tell my fiancé that I really was pregnant.  We told no one else, gave no one else the opportunity to counsel us, and instead selfishly focused on how a baby was going to ruin our lives, not to mention the reactions of our parents and families to our news, since it was still, at the time, not socially acceptable to become pregnant outside of marriage.  We agreed I would call the number and schedule an appointment for the abortion, and began the walk down the most destructive and devastating path we could have chosen in our relationship, a direction that would take years to correct and leave much pain and many scars behind.
 
I was given an evening appointment time and told to bring cash only or I wouldn't be able to have the abortion, and not to eat or drink for twelve hours before the procedure.  We arrived in plenty of time, and every seat in the waiting room was full of mainly women, with a few men scattered around, and I remember most of their faces still today.  When I was called back after a long wait, the warm and caring people of the clinic had been replaced by a cold, hurried group of nurses.  I still remember asking a nurse if it was going to hurt, and she coldly reassured me it would not, and yet, one of the only sounds I heard that night was a girl screaming in agony.  I asked the nurse what was wrong and she just laughed and said that this was her third visit and she'd finally decided to go through with the abortion, never answering my question.   I remember that right then, I swallowed hard and laughed in an attempt to quell my fears.
 
The doctor patted me on my knee when he came in, said my "problem would be taken care of shortly", and began the procedure.  For many years, that night stayed in my thoughts and in my dreams. The reality is that it is an extremely painful procedure, that two nurses had to hold me down, and that when it was over, I went numb and the emptiness was indescribable.  My fiancé took me home, and married me four months later, and we went on to have five more children.  Yet the destruction that happened in that abortion facility that night continued, and nearly destroyed our marriage.
 
But God had other things in mind, and it began with a Christian counselor who saw us two times a week for almost two years, who took us through the process of grieving and healing, and correcting the path of our marriage so that we walked on a path that brought us closer to God on a daily basis, not hiding with our sin in the shadows. His grace was abundant in the lives of our children too, because they have stayed on the path of righteousness, not because of me and my husband’s efforts, but in spite of our efforts.
 
We became very active after counseling in pro-life causes, yet still had not told our children about their sibling.  We decided to host a screening the documentary "Blood Money" at our church on the Saturday before the March for Life last year, and asked everyone who came to bring a gift for the local Crisis Pregnancy Center.  About 20 people showed up, and our second oldest daughter volunteered to take the gifts to the center.  She came home and announced that she was going to volunteer and be trained as a counselor to work there, and a few weeks later, she texted us a picture of her name badge when she had completed training. My husband and I both knew that it was time for us to tell our children about their sibling, so that they could also grieve and heal like we had. 
 
I wish I knew then what I know now, but now I have a testimony about grace and peace and a loving Father who forgives when we don't deserve it, and now, I am compelled to speak out about the holocaust that is happening in our land, to shine a light on the evil to destroy the darkness that is abortion, so that hopefully, many more women and men will never have to go through the trauma and devastation caused by abortion.  I thank God for Silent No More, and pray for whoever reads this to realize they are not alone, and that there is forgiveness and healing available to them.

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