As a child I was quite timid; it was timidness that I blamed for my molestation.   I was quiet and meek and often kept to myself.   Even back then I knew I was different.   When I was growing up I had dreams of being the most wonderful singer or performer on Broadway.  I dreamt of concertos and sonatas.  Music was my drive.   It made me happy and when I closed my eyes I saw music dancing notes threshing about.   My love for God was also profound.   It was He who gave me that zest for music.

When I met him I was quite happy in the beginning but as time went by he would use harsh words and the abuse began, finally after three years I left.  I met my first husband months after.  The relationship was turbulent and my husband refused to work.  I took on the role of mother and father of him and my children.  I soon started my affair all over again, and not soon after I was pregnant.  Cupboards were empty and bills were late.  My biggest fear came about, something I never wanted to happen.  I never once thought about the baby in my womb, all I could think of was how I strived to feed my family.  We were poor and desperate.  And worse , the baby may belong to the man I was having an affair with.  I was desperate.

Within a week I was at a clinic, I walked in and could see all different women that all looked desperate, young and old.  They were scared, and worse, were treated like cattle.  The woman who was the nurse asked me to sit down.

She insisted on the money up front.  That day the man I was having an affair with didn't deposit the money.  I had no money but when I initially sat down I asked for a counselor.  The woman working there said money first.   Didn't know then, but when I walked out of that horrifying clinic, God was trying to divert me from the abortion.   I didn't listen.   The next day I decided to go to Planned Parenthood.   I walked in and asked for a counselor.   But, to my dismay there was no counselor.   I was put in a room and was told to put on my gown.   No one was mean; I guess they knew I wasn't some kid but a woman.

The doctor asked my why I was doing this and I told her I was poor, very poor.  The excuse was school. She said it wouldn't hurt but it did, I felt millions of needles in my stomach and heard a vacuum.   Soon I was in a daze and just wanted to die and get out.  I felt gross.   My friend took me home and for days I cried.   I felt pain a little after but the pain was a memory, a bad memory.   For weeks I couldn't be touched by anyone including my kids.   After that my life crumbled, I failed in school and left town. Throughout the years I made timeless mistakes over and over.  One worse than the other.  

About two years ago I came out to my mother and admitted my shame.   She was angry - very angry.  My mom is an ardent Catholic.  About five months after the abortion, I went to a healing mass, where I felt the Holy Spirit clean out my sins.  I immediately confessed.  Although I was absolved, for years I carried the burden. 

In 2002 I gave birth to my youngest son Tomas.  His father left me when he was six months old. But, I can remember telling God that if I became pregnant again I would keep my child.  And I did.  When I was six months pregnant the doctor walked in and said, Congratulations your baby saved your life.  After numerous tests they were able to find out about my kidney disease.  I was given meds thereafter.  And sure enough for ten years I have only been on stage four, the stage before dialysis. Today I am thankful for all my children.  Sadly I lost custody of my second child due to my illnesses.  Tomas, my final child, was on oxygen for about six months after being born and has had numerous visits to the hospital for his asthma - along with that, he suffers from ADHD.  

Life has been hard but I love my babies.  I just went to a Project Rachel and learned so much interesting stuff about myself and my illness.  It seems as though I have burdened myself with so much regret and guilt that I wasn't able to heal.  Today I am healing.  I just finished my fourth semester in college and am working on my Bachelors in Musical Therapy.  Thereafter I plan on getting my Masters in Occupational Therapy.  I have my own place and my own car; I am blessed.  And my child Cecelia waits anxiously for me in Heaven.