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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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Freedom from the Past
Tennessee, United States

When I was a senior in high school I had an abortion, not by my will but by my parents’ wishes.  After I had the abortion I had so much guilt and shame. I never talked about it. I left my family’s home six months after the abortion, I couldn’t stand my parents or to be in the same room with them.  I never even ate dinner with them--I ate in my bedroom with the door locked. I went to church as a child.  But salvation was never mentioned in the church so my parents were not saved and neither was I. I wasn’t saved until I was 37 years old.

I started using drugs and selling my body to get the money for the drugs after my abortion. I couldn’t stand not to be high because the pain and the nightmares of the abortion were so bad. I needed something to numb the pain so I used drugs and sex.  The abortion clinic told me it was a procedure, and the baby was just tissue. I would go on with my life--that was not true, don’t believe their lies.

I suffered deep depression for years due to the abortion, no medication helped. I didn’t go to church or have anything to do with God for about 20 years, because I felt I was unworthy to be a Christian.  How could God love someone like me who killed a baby?   I wondered why God didn’t stop the abortion.  I held on to this for years.

Then I blamed myself. I could have said no, but I didn’t. I was 18 years old.  It was legal age, people younger than that have had a baby. Well, I got saved, and I thought everything was finished with the issue of the abortion, I really did. Then I went to a healing service at my church one Sunday.  The pastor asked if anyone who ever had an abortion could come up front. The first thing I thought, “Oh no, what are they going to think about me if I confess this horrible sin. Pease Lord, I can’t do this.”  I started to panic. I really didn’t want to go up front but the Holy Spirit pushed me out of my chair that Sunday. The pastor also said that Sunday that God told him to preach on past sins.  It was Memorial Day weekend. He said even if the abortion even took place a long time ago.  Right then and there I knew that was God was using my pastor and that got my attention.

I went up front.   I started crying hysterically from nowhere.  I have never done that before, I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t even look at the pastor or the lady praying for me in the eyes, because I felt so ashamed and guilty about the abortion. I didn’t know I had these emotions inside of me. I went home, and I lay down for a while after church.

I woke up--my heart felt differently.  It was like 20 pounds was lifted off my heart, like the chains of guilt and shame was gone.  I felt happy. I have a new heart, I finally have freedom from the past,  and I can breathe without all that heaviness. I never know I had that much guilt and shame, but I guess I buried it so much inside of me I didn’t know I had it.

Six months ago I would never have told anyone about the abortion because I was so ashamed and guilty about it. Then Jesus told me to start telling people about my abortion because it’s my testimony, and I shouldn’t be ashamed of it anymore. I forgave God, my parents, and myself for the abortion that took place in 1979. I had held onto this guilt and shame.  It was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life, and I finally have freedom from it.

If you have had an abortion God can set you free you from the guilt and shame that goes alone with having an abortion and give you freedom from the past. If you’re thinking about an abortion, please don’t do it. It will destroy your life. The depression and guilt and shame that comes along with it is awful.  It’s like you’re in your own living hell. The best way I can describe an abortion is it’s like it’s your soul has been ripped out of your body and you will never be the same again. And no drugs or sex can fill emptiness inside of you.  Only Jesus can. I don’t know why that abortion took place, but one thing I do know.  If I never would have had that abortion I would have never become a Christian. I am today. God told me one day in church what my baby’s name is. He said his name is Thomas, and he looks just like my daughter.

Since I have freedom in Christ from the past, God has laid it on my heart to pray for women who have had an abortion and the aborted babies that have died due to abortion. It gives me so much pleasure to pray for this, I can feel their pain and sorrow. I feel that God has finally given me a purpose through prayer.  My new heart has so much Love and peace now that I feel like a new person inside and out. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about Thomas.  But one thing I do know, he’s in heaven with the Heavenly Father. Well, this is my testimony.  God can forgive you of any past sin and give you freedom from your past, you just have to trust in Jesus to give you freedom.


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