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The Empty Spot
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Beth
Michigan,
United States
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It was some time around this date 31 years ago that I was in a crisis. I was scared and uninformed, as so many of us were then and are now. I made a choice out of that circumstance, out of that situation. I thought that it was a good choice, the only choice. I thought it was a final choice. Not a loss but a redo. Not grief but freedom. I thought that I would never look back. I thought it was for the best. I was a strong woman who made her own choices. No one could tell me what was best for ME. It was, after all, a piece of me. The thing is there are natural laws, causes and effects. When you do A, B happens whether you expected it or not, no matter who you are or how tough your heart is.
Something happened in my life 31 years ago. I conceived a child. I’ve never met her but that doesn’t make her any less real or any less an individual. I didn’t know it at the time but she would change my life forever. She changed the world forever--because she was never allowed to do her part. She was never allowed to walk out her path on the earth. She never met her siblings, and they never met her.
You may be pro-choice or pro-life, it doesn’t matter to me. I have been both and it doesn’t change my story. Or my heart or the empty spot I have for my child I never met. I had an abortion because I thought it was a good thing to do. No regret, no morality issues.
Every year for the past 31 years, this time of year, I go through a valley. I feel a deep sadness. I had no idea why for a very long time. I just couldn’t figure it out. Never in a million years did I think it was from a hole in my heart and life. Never did I think my abortion choice would have or could have left an empty spot for so long. What was missing? Could it be that child? LIGHT BULB! When I hit on that it all made sense. Suddenly after all those years I looked at her and said, “I think I miss you and I am sure that I love you.” I had a period of grieving that I had not allowed for her before. As a mother I had never grieved the loss of my child. How unnatural is that? I had buried a secret. I had buried her in a secret. She deserves more. She deserves to be acknowledged.
We honor our dead but not if they are aborted. Why is that? Why do they deserve less? When a woman miscarries no one tells her in her pain that “it was only a mass of tissue” or “it wasn’t a baby yet”. We let her grieve her loss. We let her grieve her baby and the hole in her life. Now I grieve my loss and my baby. I didn’t miscarry her, I aborted her. But she was still real and she was still my child. I wouldn’t change that now for anything. There is so much healing and release when I let myself love her and cry for her. When I miss her and my arms long to hold her finally, finally, I have given her life and myself a child. I don’t have to deny it anymore or pretend she wasn’t real. I don’t have to not be her mother. It is very painful to remember her. But it always has been. At least now that pain has a purpose. It has a name, my daughter. My child.
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