I had an abortion because the birth of a baby would have postponed graduating from nursing school by two years. I have a congenital condition that I had struggled with and did not want a child to have to struggle with it. All the recognition I received from my father was by doing well in school, so I did not want to screw that up. My mother had said it would "kill" her if I got pregnant before being married, and since she had tried to kill herself two times before, I took this seriously.
During the abortion experience I remember feeling liked I deserved to feel the physical pain. Though in denial that I was killing my child, I was beginning to realize it was terribly wrong. I felt insignificant in the abortion clinic. How I walked out of the clinic or even got down off the table is totally blocked from my memory.
Once home I felt sad and shut down my feelings to try to stop feeling sad.
My next reaction was to be in denial about it all and never talk about it. Next, I abused alcohol to the point of blacking out. That did not last long. But as time went on after the abortion, I placed a wall up around me and deadened my feelings. I felt remorse, shame, and unworthiness. It was difficult to form friendships. I was promiscuous after the marriage to the father of my baby ended. I had low self-esteem. I had anger issues and did not know where the anger came from.
When I finally went back to church, I never lasted longer than a few months to one year in a church, for fear someone would get close to me and realize I had an abortion.
I found miraculous healing through Surrendering the Secret. The sin left my soul, and I was allowed to grieve the loss of my child and admit I was a mother. I no longer felt a heaviness being around babies. I started to be able to form friendships.
After 37 years of pain, suffering, and shame I was silent no more because of this healing.
I became a trained leader for Surrendering the Secret and have led that. I am now active at a nearby abortion clinic, trying to reach women who are about to have an abortion, trying to change their minds and hearts by sharing my story of deep regret. After buying the lie that my baby was just "tissue", I now share the truth with others, to help them not fall into this trap from the enemy!
This year is my first year of being involved in Praying for 40 Days for Life! Praise God for another benefit from being silent no more!