I had an abortion, because I was not married and believed that a baby with my boyfriend or due to a one-night stand would ruin my life. I've had five abortions. I've been to different clinics and one clinic twice. I have had kind clinic workers and doctors and cold distant workers, but each time myself, me, I never felt good, loved, cared for, strong, empowered, confident, accomplished once the suction abortion machine sounds came on. And, even after the procedure, I never felt like that.
Why did I keep having abortions? Because I believed that having an abortion was a smart choice for me, so I could live the best successful life I was capable of accomplishing. Why didn't I use birth control? Because each time I was going to follow the Lord and not have sex until marriage. I was going to do everything right. Plus, I would always forget to take the pills or get my next shot. To tell you the truth, I was a mess when it came to how I behaved around men. I didn't respect myself, so why would I respect them? It was just a carnal lust that I couldn't put aside, and it would take over, and I didn't care in the moment.
As time went on, I would cry every night for years (21 years old to 33 years old). I finally turned back to the Lord. I started to realize that something had to change. I was pregnant again, and the father was an alcoholic and was in the beginning phases of physical abuse. God had given me a kind and loving family, and I was far from home. I decided I would go home, where I would be loved and taken care of, especially since I wasn't driving. The father decided not to move with me.
After having my son, I had to keep telling myself and acting like I was completely in love with my little baby. I made it a nightly task to say, "I love you, my little boy. I love you my son." As time went on and I got back into the work force, I found that my tolerance for my son was decreasing, as I started to get less and less sleep. As much as I had grown to care for my son, I often wanted my old life back where I could do whatever I wanted. I would think, “I would be fine if my son passed away.” I knew this thinking was wrong, because who thinks that way about their child? I had never met anyone who had those thoughts about their child. I also knew things were heading in the wrong path, because I was yelling at my son and yelling at my mom. My mom and I never fought, and my son was a well behaved child. I hated life.
At church my pastor invited anyone who was wanting to change, wanting to refocus on the Lord, or was stuck in a rut to come to the altar. I went up and prayed for change. It has been a year since I went to that altar, and in this year I have completely turned my life back to the Lord. I just completed a healing program and have learned how much Jesus loves everyone and that His life was so sinless that even His thoughts were love, compassion, and forgiveness for those who were spitting on Him, beating Him, and berating Him. Jesus went through a lot for my sin, and I am happy to accept His gift of forgiveness and grace. Today, I can see through the eyes of Jesus more and more—to love others and have patience for all in a way that I would have never believed. I am able to truly love my son and put aside selfish tasks in order to play, laugh, hug, and nurture my son.
I realize that what I believed in the past of a child ruining my life was wrong, and today that thinking would still be wrong. I know now that Jesus wanted great things for my life, and a suction abortion machine had no place in my life. That is why I am silent no more!