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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


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God can Take the Most Harrowing Situations and Make them Beautiful
Ontario, Canada

I want to share with you, a bit of my testimony. When I was 16, I left my parent’s house. I was the "prodigal daughter" in my family. It was my desire and agenda as I left, to go and do all of the things I was raised not to do - basically, my agenda was sex, drugs, and rock and roll! However, even with all of that on mind, I told myself I would never get an abortion no matter what. Again, I was 16.

Five years later, my resolve on the issue was tested and I failed. I chose the hope of love from a guy that I was in a relationship with that didn't love me. He promised me that no matter what, no matter how long it took for me to recover and it took to rebuild our relationship, he would be there. My abortion took place Wednesday, August 31, 2011 in the morning. He broke up with me the following Monday.

For over 10 years, my abortion has plagued me. It has had me worried almost constantly about getting pregnant or not getting pregnant for the past decade. Before I was a Christian and had sex with my partner's, I was always terrified of having and not having sex due to what I felt my value was in a relationship. For years feeling like to be in a relationship and have it mature, I had to "put out". I actually had a boyfriend after my abortion (a few years later) tell me he refused to wear condoms and that I had nothing to worry about. He was much older than me and knew his body well enough that I didn't have to worry about him stopping at the right time. Feeling like I was the problem in that scenario, I went along with him. It was also our first weekend away together alone. I had no other way to get back to where I was staying so I complied. My entire relationship with him, after what I'd been through with my past relationships, was spent being nervous every time we had sex. We got along very well outside the bedroom and he actually, apart from sex, treated me amazingly.

I got married two years ago. While I have gone through counseling and have asked for God's forgiveness and have learned to forgive myself. The repercussions of my abortion still haunts me to this very day.  Back in December, I experienced a miscarriage. The miscarriage isn't really what has bothered me as much as the after affects of it. When my fetus died, the sac didn't let go and I ended up in the hospital for 3 days just before Christmas with a massive infection. Since then, I've been dealing with an AVM (Arteriovenous Malformation) in my uterus. And while I know it's not the most uncommon thing to happen to a woman, knowing that I had an abortion makes me wonder if it made me more susceptible to this. My abortion has left me with a lot of what ifs. What if my abortion is what led up to my uterus being more fragile after my surgery from the infection. What if because of this AVM I can't get pregnant? It breaks my heart just thinking about it.

The main argument that I would like to make about this whole abortion debate is what the women are saying. All over the internet you read "Women's Body, Women's Rights". Ladies, I hear you. I know that some of you want an abortion because the right to your body was taken away when you conceived that child and you see it as trauma, as a reminder of ugliness in the world. What happened to you, was ugly, disgusting and never should have happened to you. And for that, I am so sorry. But what if that baby you conceived ended up being the biggest blessing to you or to some family who are not able to have children on their own?

And I see you ladies of one-night stands. I've been there, shopping for the morning after pill. Your regrets and shamed piled high in the mirror and now, you have a daily reminder of a night you wish you could forget or better yet, remember. Again, I say to you, what if that baby is what you need to put your life back together, to give your life purpose? To make you start taking better care of yourself and learn to love yourself so you can love that baby?

I have been on the moral high road of this topic saying "there is never a reason to abort!" I have been on the other side as well, watching my friends go through it and being through it myself. Abortion is no easy decision and if it is made easily, that terrifies me.

What I have learned in all of this is that, no matter your "beliefs" when tested, we are human. Some of us are stronger than others and some of us are not. Abortion is not the road to go in any scenario, no matter how ugly. There are always post birth options! God can take the most harrowing of situations and make them beautiful. You need to have faith.

And to wrap this up, after what I went through during my procedure for my abortion, I have no idea why anyone would want to subject themselves to it. Unlike my surgery in December where they put me under anesthesia, they only gave me something to help me relax when I went in for my abortion. Unfortunately, my anxiety was so high it did little to calm me down and they had to give me gas that didn't actually put me out, it just quieted me down. I will never forget what that ceiling looked like in that room. One of the ceiling tiles had what looked like a transparent picture over the light of spring scenery with some birds in a nest in a tree with leaves. My body just went into shock and all I wanted to do was die on that table. When the procedure was done, they took the mask off, but I remember just laying there, wishing I was dead. I couldn't even respond to them. When I did, finally, I started screaming "Oh my gosh! I killed my baby!" over and over again until they made me be quiet because other girls were in the room waiting and they didn't want to scare them.

Pregnancy is scary even when you plan for it and it's even more scary when it's unplanned. I know. But abortion is not the solution. And this is why, in all honesty, it's good to follow the Bible when God says that sex is made for husband and wife. I know it's not easy to wait that long, and I know we're all human and sinners. And I know that sometimes, getting pregnant or having sex isn't always our choice. But again, abortion is not the solution. And I'm sorry ladies, but once there is a baby inside of you, it's no longer just your body, and to be honest, it has nothing to do with your body. You're not killing you, you're killing an innocent baby.


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