In 1986 I was 32 and already had 3 kids with 2 different fathers. I was separated from my husband, pending divorce, and involved in another relationship with a man 5-years younger who was in the military. We talked about raising a family together with my kids so when I learned that I was pregnant I was so happy. Unfortunately, he was not. He said that he was still married (I didn't know) and that having this baby would put him out of the military.
I didn't want to lose him and I didn't want to raise 4 children on my own so when he urged me to have an abortion I unreluctantly agreed. I recall the office was very stark and we had to put a gown on and wait in a room with other women, most young women, until we were called. I remember being given something and thinking that it's not too late to change my mind, but it was too late as the effects of the drug was taking over. I wasn't out completely, and I could hear what the nurse and doctor were saying as they were instructing me what to do. At one point, I overheard the nurse telling the doctor that it was a girl, which at that moment I fell apart inside.
I let them kill my baby. On top of that, my daughter always wanted a sister and I took that away from her. To add insult to injury, the father left me. Turns out he had no intention of staying with me. It was 3 blows to my psyche. I sunk so low in depression that on 2 occasions I attempted suicide, but fortunately both times were interrupted.
For 17 years I struggled with the guilt of aborting my child - nothing could drown it out. I didn't think I could be forgiven for such a horrible atrocity and then Jesus stepped in. A woman in my church was involved in an abortion healing program and encouraged me to take the class. With a lot of praying and repenting I was finally able to come to terms with what I had done and find forgiveness for myself and for the father.
I also feel that my child has forgiven me as well. I named her Hanna and had a private memorial service for her. Only a few people, which includes my husband, know about the abortion. To this day, I am afraid to tell my daughter who is now 44 years old because I don't want to hurt her. I'm now 66 years old and it's time to be "silent no more".