I was just 23 years old and fresh out of a toxic relationship learning to live alone with my then 3-year-old son. I had quickly gotten into another relationship and found myself pregnant. There was no question in my mind, I was having this child. I had already successfully navigated teenage pregnancy, in less than desirable circumstances, so this would be no different. The Father of the child was nervous but excited. He said and did all the right things. We began planning for our baby. Until things got hard, and I had a conversation with a friend and in an instant, I made a new choice. I went home looked this man in the face and told him I was having an abortion and he needed to leave. To this day I do not know the devastation I caused him. That was his child too and there was nothing he could do to stop me.
I was days away from my 2nd trimester so Planned Parenthood made my appointment with great urgency. In less than 48 hours I was driving to Boston to do something I never thought I would do. Trauma has erased most of the memories from that day. Sadly, the ones that remain are the most painful. The somber silence of the waiting room filled with girls, mostly alone, all looking frightened and confused. The burning tears running down my right cheek as I lay head turned staring blankly at the gray wall of the procedure room. There was a man whom I believe was a doctor and a woman who never spoke. I sobbed silently as the suction noises filled not only my head but my heart. I knew what was happening and I would not soon forget. Then came the “recovery room”. It was more like a corral. Nothing separating me and the many other women but sheets hanging from the ceiling. The moaning, wailing and sobs stayed with me too.
In that moment I prayed. “God, please forgive me.” Then I hoped I would just forget. That’s how the world makes it seem. It’s the best thing to do for yourself in a tough situation. You will be fine. Now they even call it “Health Care.” I assure you, there is nothing healthy or caring about it.
In the year to come my life spiraled out of control. I was drinking heavily, doing drugs, and sleeping around all in an effort to ease the pain. Nothing worked. I ended up in another long- term abusive relationship and had my beautiful daughter. The pain and nightmares still haunted me. My self- esteem was in the gutter and the relationship I was in was making me mentally sick. I finally found the strength to leave and in that soon after found Jesus.
I read “The Purpose Driven Life” and God used that to show me that my pain and struggles would not be in vain. That He could bring “Beauty from Ashes.” However, like many I believed that Abortion was “the ultimate sin”. Surely, I could not give that to God and survive. So, I continued to hide in silence. Do you know that 1 in 4 Women were attending church when they had their abortion? I was far from alone. It took years but God never gave up on showing me His love and forgiveness.
Eventually I would go through a Save One healing program and my entire life would be transformed! I had no idea how much of my pain and suffering was connected to my abortion. Now that I know, I cannot be Silent anymore! I am here to tell the World that Women deserve better than abortion! It is not the answer. If you have had an abortion, there is Hope & Healing. I am here to let you know you are not alone. Reach out! Let’s talk. I’m really glad you are here. There is love and freedom ahead.
If you would like to read my first public testimony you can find it here:
Boasting About My Weaknesses: Silent No More