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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

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Choose a Sign of Love, Adoption, If you are not Ready
Carmen
New Jersey, United States

When I was sixteen, I met the father of my first child. Everything was going relatively well, and after six months of being together I found out I was pregnant, when I told him about it he was very happy. Neither of us had the idea of having an abortion but we were afraid because we didn't know how our families would react.

Back then, I was daddy's little girl and even though my dad didn't live with us, I knew his reaction wouldn't be the best, so we decided not to say anything until the time was right, but the time did not come and the months went by. In one occasion, I started to feel pain in my kidneys and with each passing day the pain was intensifying, until I couldn't walk anymore, I had a high fever and a lot of pain, my brother and his friend took me to the emergency room where the nurse told me that I was pregnant (which I already knew) and that I had a UTI, and since I was a minor she had to speak with my mom directly, I begged her not to do it because I wanted to be the one and I promised her I would do it immediately. The nurse agreed and instructed my brother to tell my mom to make an appointment with the doctor to check if I had kidney stones, and with that information, my brother brought me home and informed my mom.
The following week my mom took me to the doctor and I was very nervous because I knew she was about to find out but I didn't know how to tell her, I didn't have the courage.

Obviously, after my check-up, the doctor broke the news to my mom. I had never seen my mom in that state of anger, sadness, helplessness and disappointment, all at the same time but despite everything she was the one who supported me the most.
Right away, both families found out, and when I was seventeen years and three months old, my son was born.

From the time everyone found out and after the birth of my son, what I heard the most was: "so young and already with a son." "How foolish to ruin your life like that." "Up to here came your youth, your studies and your whole life!" "If you had said something in time, you could have aborted." "You better start using protection, so you don't keep giving birth." I began to feel resentment and a lot of shame. My father, hurt by all this, wanted me to marry my son's father, but by then I was no longer in love with him; however, I agreed to marry him to avoid disappointing my father even more, after all, I felt that I had let everyone down and that everyone was condemning me. But my marriage did not last more than a year and a half.

After my divorce and a while, I got to know someone, with whom I was in a relationship for almost four years. The relationship began to falter between him and me in the last year. I realized that I was pregnant again, it was not something that I was looking for, especially after all that negativity I received in the pregnancy and birth of my first child.

When I told my boyfriend about the pregnancy, his immediate reply was: "and how do I know it's mine?"... later that day he apologized to me and told me that he would get me the money for the abortion. I'm not going to deny that his answer hurt me alot but I agreed anyway.

Once he gave me the money I felt alone without knowing where to go, my mom realized my anguish and asked me what was bothering me, and I told her, her answer was "Don't worry, I'll support you in whatever your decision is" . She took me to a doctor who had been recommended to her, because in my country, at that time abortion was only legal in case of rape. I remember that when we arrived at the office, I was nervous, afraid and full of shame. I remember that the doctor laid me down on a stretcher, she anesthetized me "so I wouldn't feel anything" while she was turning my womb into a tomb... but despite being anesthetized, I could feel the invasion in my womb and I heard the agonized cry of a little baby... that cry marked my soul immensely, so much so that I can still hear it today...

After everything was done, my mom and I went back home, I was in a state of lethargy, so it was difficult to pretend that nothing had happened because at that moment I did not feel anything, nor do I remember returning home, but once there, I went straight to my room to rest. I heard all my siblings asking my mom what had happened to me, and my mom, without wanting to give much information, just said "she is sick". I felt embarrassed, I felt trashy and I tried to pretend it was not a big deal; since, the narrative is  "at that age it's not a baby, it's not even formed, they don't feel anything, it's just a cluster of cells, you are not the first nor will you be the last".

That same night I received a call from my baby's father and he asked me if he was free from "that package", with pain I said yes and after that we never saw each other again.
The following week I tried to resume my life as if nothing had happened, but conscience weighs more than five plus tons, and the feeling that everyone somehow Knew was killing me... I started drinking and drinking to the point of not even knowing my name... among my vague memories I am certain that I was sexually abused during that period...
One time, I don't know how I got home, but I remember crying desperately, lying on the living room floor, lying at my mother's feet while my siblings witnessed everything, I was asking God and my mom to forgive me for having murdered my baby... The next day, I felt even worse, so I decided to stop drinking. I knew I was going in the wrong way.

The following year, I left my country and came to the United States. Here I tried to have a different life but I only went from one relationship to another, I felt used most of the time, and NO, IT IS NOT TRUE THAT BEING SEXUALLY ACTIVE LIBERATES YOU OR EMPOWERS YOU... THE VOID IS IMMENSE AND DEPRESSING. 

Nothing made me happy, and the little happiness I had was fleeting.

Time has passed and now I'm married, my husband and I have conceived three boys and we are expecting a new baby, this will be my seventh pregnancy.

I must say that I had a miscarriage before the penultimate of my children... One day, at the end of the first trimester of my pregnancy I began to feel small pangs and an urge to go to the bathroom, when I sat on the toilet the blood started to sprout, I realized that a small bag fell into the water... I picked it up and I saw this little tiny baby, my baby... I saw him move as if he was taking his last breath... suddenly and abruptly that agonizing cry I heard during my abortion echoed in my head and broke my soul, I screamed as if my life had ended and the feeling of guilt invaded me completely, this time I could not pretend.

A year ago, I decided to go back to church and confess all my sins, among them having taken my baby's life... I know that God has forgiven me, but I still need to apologize to my baby and give him a proper name and a symbolic burial, honoring his memory... I'm still struggling, but I trust God.

I have heard several times that we carry our babies in our wombs for only nine months, but we carry abortion for the rest of our lives and it becomes heavier when we do not recognize it and admit it. That is true.

A sign of love is to give the baby up for adoption if you feel that you are not ready, it is better to carry the satisfaction of having given life to a defenseless being than to carry the guilt and shame for life. It is painful.

Thousands and thousands of women throughout history have managed to get ahead with their children, let's not continue swallowing the narrative that a child is a stone in our path but the force that drives every brave mother. Let's not forget the best example of dedication and commitment that the Virgin Mary gave us, who without hesitation hugged in her womb The One who gave His life for humanity. Son of God born in a manger, Redeemer of the world.

You are not alone and I Can't Stay Silent any more.

God's Blessings in the Home
Psalm 127
3. Behold sons are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
4. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the sons of one's youth.
5. Happy is the man who has
his quiver full of them!
He shall not put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies
in the gate.


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