I was hiding my condition, and my mother found out. I told her I was feeling life almost daily, but she said, "You are too young."
We went to a clinic in Idaho as abortion was still illegal in Wyoming.
The operating room was emerald-green tile on the walls and ceiling. The doctor had a green suit and mask on. My butt was on a cold steel table. They put my legs in stirrups. I had never had a pelvic exam, so this embarrassed me. The doctor started asking me questions about sex. Had I enjoyed it? Had I orgasmed okay? Then he said, "You will feel pressure." He put the saline solution above my pelvic bone and plunged the saline solution in. My daughter screamed. "In my 14-year-old innocence, I asked, "Is that part of the procedure?" They never answered.
I came out of the operating room and told my mother it was okay. I wasn't even in pain. This should be easy now. My mother left the room, and the doctor came back in frowning. My daughter had survived. They wheeled me around and back in I went. The next round of saline caused my daughter to moan painfully. I was in active labor at this point. They took me to a room with a tree resplendent with fall leaves. My mother and sister left to visit my grandparents, who lived in the same town. "We have to keep up appearances." She told my sister.
I was alone. A nurse sat with me for a little while. Then, when I delivered, I was alone. The nurse came in and picked up the baby in a pad. My Mother had warned me not to look. I obeyed her though the nurse encouraged me to look. I followed the little grapefruit-sized bump with my eyes until she left the room.
I was numb and traumatized. My sister took me out a few days later and got me high, thinking it would help. Instead, my milk let down, and I made her take me home. I felt so robbed as the milk flowed down on my empty arms. I was so broken. The regret was overwhelming.
I fell into a pit of drugs, men, and self-loathing. I was like that for years. Parties, anything goes and ruining every relationship I had.
One night I took some bad LSD and knew I was dying. I asked God to help me. I tried to bargain with him and then realized I had nothing He needed. He asked me for my life. I laughed sardonically, "Would you want it? Well, if you think you can do anything with this mess, take it."
Almost imperceptively, He started to heal and clean my life. A few years later, I realized He was real and had been watching over my life since that night. I became His, lock, stock, and barrel at that point.
My mother was living in Salmon 33 years after the abortion. We were moving and stopped to see her. She was in the hospital for staff. It was morning. I came into the room last. I looked out the window, and the beautiful tree resplendent with fall colors was there. Panic struck me as I realized this was the same room I had had the abortion in.
I looked below the window, and my 14-year-old son sat in a chair. I thought he is just a baby. I was just a baby. The self-loathing left me. My mourning was complete.
I was fourteen when I made the worst mistake of my life. Now 50 years later, it still breaks my heart. That is why I must speak, I must warn, I can be silent no more.