He
said he would kill himself if I kept our baby. This was now my second abortion.
Why didn’t anyone tell me I could possibly have suicidal thoughts after killing
my children in my womb? I mean, didn’t we matter, didn’t my two precious babies
matter? The pressure was not only from this man but the doctors and staff who
told me I was doing the right thing both times. “It’s just a blob at six weeks,”
they said. “You have a lifetime to have children,” they said. My abortions took
place in my 20s. I am now 45 and must live with my decision. There is not a
Mother’s Day, holiday, anniversary month of when I took their life, or birthday in which I could have given them
life that I don’t think of them.
When
making the choice, I didn’t feel like I had the support system that I really
needed. I was ashamed and afraid. I even wondered if I would be judged by my
church community. So… I listened to my gynecologist. She gave me the name of a doctor
who performed abortions. She mentioned it would make me feel a little bit more
“comfortable” than Planned Parenthood. I remember walking into the waiting room
and feeling very scared, numb, sad, and alone.
When they called my name to go back to the
room, it just felt very dark. I was told I was doing the right thing. The staff
tried to reassure me that everything was fine because it’s just a blob. There were
no ultrasounds being performed in the abortion clinic at this time. The staff
were very convincing, so I decided to go with their reasoning and reassurance.
As I lay on the table feeling nothing, suddenly
I opened my eyes, and I could feel my baby leave my body. It didn’t hurt
physically at that moment, but the emotional connection was already there. I truly believe what I was feeling was my baby’s
heartbeat leaving my womb.
Not only did this happen once but twice. One may wonder, “If you had one abortion and
felt these things, how could you do it all over again?” The guilt and shame were
so overwhelming. I suppressed those emotions by living a careless lifestyle of drinking
and finding love in all the wrong places.
Abortion
harms not only the baby but the woman as well. It affected my mental well-being
and my physical health. I suffered pain and severe cramping for years, with hormone
imbalances and abnormal menstrual cycles that now make me unable to have
children.
There were cycles of depression, grief, anxiety to anguish, and suicidal
thoughts. I experienced ruined relationships, a lack of self-worth and
self-respect, and low self-esteem. I had feelings of abandonment, sought
approval, felt inadequate to be a mother, and felt unworthy of love.
Throughout
the years, I didn’t realize how much I was suppressing emotions and carrying
the burden regarding the loss of my babies. At the end of 2021, I finished an abortion healing class called, “Forgiven and Set Free.”
This
class changed my life. I do not carry guilt and shame anymore. I know Jesus
forgives me and he needed me to forgive myself. At the end of the three-month
class, I named my children (Benjamin & Grace) and had a memorial. This is
where the healing began for me.
I encourage any woman or man who needs healing
to come forward so you to can be set free! God has turned this situation around
for my good and is using me along with others to cry out and be a witness for anyone
who has been hurt by abortion.