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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

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If My Story Saves One Baby from Being Murdered
Ronnah
Alabama, United States

My name is Ronnah, and I had an abortion 5 years ago. Let me start at the beginning. I was engaged to the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. On April 17, 2018, I was at the store getting some items for the house. Something told me to take a pregnancy test although I had no symptoms. I was on the phone with my mom when I took the test. Within seconds the test turned positive. I cried because I had been trying for 8 years to have another baby and had multiple miscarriages. 

I immediately made an appointment with the health department. I found out I was 4 1/2 weeks pregnant. I was so excited. I went home and woke up my fiancé to tell him that I was expecting. He got very angry and punched a hole in the wall and told me that I tricked him into getting me pregnant and had to have an abortion. If I didn't it would destroy us. All I could do was cry. For me, that was not an option. He went back to sleep and got up a few hours later to go to work. Before he left, he told me that I needed to find a clinic and that we were getting married on the 28th. 

He went to work and I started looking for adoption agencies. I would rather have my baby adopted by a good couple than kill them. He called me when he got to work, a 30-minute drive, and asked me if I had thought about the abortion. I told him no. I really hadn't because it was not an option for me. He told me to think about it and let him know what I decided. I kept looking at adoption agencies. I found a Christian agency and read the story of a couple that had been trying to have a baby for 10 years. He was a youth pastor. She was a nurse. I knew that I had found the perfect couple for my baby. 

When my fiancé got home the next morning he asked if I had thought about it. I told him that I would not get an abortion. He literally told me that I had no choice and that if I didn't it would ruin us. I cried like I had never cried before. April 28 rolled around, and we traveled an hour away to get married. I pulled his cousin aside and let her know about the pregnancy. She prayed over me and the baby. She prayed that the pregnancy and baby would be healthy. 

The wedding went off without a hitch. We all went out to eat to celebrate. Everything was good but I was hiding my pregnancy secret from everyone else because it was too painful to think about what was happening, not even a month later. I was put on my husband's health insurance, and I made the appointment to drive an hour away. May 25 rolls around and we drive the hour away and walk into the clinic. I was so terrified and sad. I signed into the clinic and started the intake process. I paid the $500 required. They gave me some ibuprofen to help with the pain afterward. They put me in the waiting area. There were about 7 other ladies there as well. They took me back to the ultrasound room. The tech asked if I wanted to see the ultrasound. I told her no. When my time came to go to the procedure room I was very scared because I knew what was about to happen. 

When I get to the procedure room, they laid me on the table and started an IV and gave me anesthesia. I don't even remember meeting the doctor. The next I remember is waking up in the recovery room. I was up for about 5 minutes before I passed out. When they finally got me to come to, I was told that there were some crackers and juice on the table beside me. I immediately started eating and drinking. I knew that the reason I passed out was because my sugar had plummeted because I wasn't allowed to eat anything prior. 

After about another 5-10 minutes they let me know that my clothes and a pad were in a cubby across the room. I got my stuff and went into the bathroom and got dressed. I didn't need the pad, I wasn't bleeding. My husband and I walked out of the clinic at 5 p.m. We were there for 8 hours. He asked if I was okay. I told him yes because I didn't want to talk about what just happened. We went to his maternal grandmother's funeral the next day. About a week later I was attending church and knew that I needed counseling. I filled out the form to receive free counseling through the church. I had an amazing counselor. We talked about my abortion. To save my husband's reputation I told her that we mutually agreed to get the abortion. A few days later I messaged his cousin who knew about the pregnancy and told her that I needed to talk to her. She was the second person that I told about the abortion. 

She shocked me when she said that she went through the same thing when she was younger. For the first time, I didn't feel alone. Sadly, my husband and I divorced a year later. He asked me why I chose to get a divorce. I was honest and told him it was because he took no consideration about how I felt about the abortion and left me to grieve on my own for a year. I battled self-hate and unforgiveness for myself for 4 years. I had posted in an abortion survivor support group about my abortion. Another woman in the group mentioned Not Forgotten Ministries to me in a comment. I immediately looked them up. I loved what I read and immediately applied for the next Bible study. I went through the study and started healing. I still battled self-hate and unforgiveness. I decided to go through the study again. This time I started forgiving and loving myself. I started to see myself like God does. He sees me as someone worth loving and forgiving despite the decision that I made 4 years prior. 

I posted about my abortion on my Facebook page on the 5th anniversary of my abortion. This really helped with my healing. I no longer had a secret. Today I no longer hate myself. Today I have forgiven myself and the other people involved in my abortion. Today I am more healed than I thought possible. The way I see it, if sharing my story saves even one baby from being murdered before being given a chance at life then I have done my job. Because of someone sharing their story and leading me to a Bible study I am no longer silent about my abortion.


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