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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

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Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously


 
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Thought I did not have a choice, wish I had been Stronger
Beth
Texas, United States

I had an abortion in 1989 because I was too ashamed to tell my parents that I was pregnant. I was 21 in college and my boyfriend and I were sexually active. I was a coward and too scared and ashamed to reach out to anybody who might have supported me, given me just enough courage to choose life. 

I was a virgin when I went to college. I was naive and was not properly informed to know that being sexually active was not only immoral ("bad"), but you could end up pregnant. So, when I found out I was pregnant, I followed my boyfriend's lead. We didn't discuss it. He just lined up the financial support, we made the appointment and still no discussion. In my mind I didn't have any choice. I wish I had been stronger. Since that time, I've known people who were young and unmarried and got pregnant - and they chose life. Even though I know I am forgiven and healed, I wish that I had been stronger. I'm a big believer in sonograms. I always wonder... if I had seen the life within me... would I have been just courageous enough to not have an abortion.

The Lubbock clinic was about a 10-minute drive from campus. I don’t remember anyone loitering outside the clinic to change our minds. There were forms that I robotically signed. I didn’t have to wait long before I was in a room and on a table. The doctor or assistant may or may not have explained to me what was happening. | I remember a suctioning noise and slight tugging feeling inside and it was done. I had an abortion. 

While mine and my boyfriend's relationship continued beyond that fateful decision, it was tainted and existed in a lie that pretended that everything was all better now that “the problem” was taken care of. I remember convincing myself that our decision was our little secret that somehow bound us and sealed our relationship. Our relationship was built and resided on sand – shifty and shallow; and rocks – it was so rocky. Why would it be anything otherwise? We were not living a Godly life. We didn't seek healing. We finally broke up within the year after I graduated college. But that relationship and abortion experience changed me – my soul, my values. I no longer required a committed relationship status to have sex. My thought process was: “I’m attracted to you. A little drunk I’m uninhibited, so bonus for both of us. This is what single adults do. Etc.” I lived this promiscuous lifestyle for a couple of years. Until I turned 26, I continued to turn away from my values, shutting out God and church from my life. If I did attend church, I knew the light of truth would shine so brightly upon my sins it would blind me, bring me to my knees. 

I found forgiveness before coming into the Catholic Church in 2014. Even though I had sought God's forgiveness, I confessed my abortion to the priest before initiation into the Catholic Church. But it wasn't until I felt God calling me to share my story on an ACTS Women's Retreat in 2017 that I truly began to heal. I knew that I needed to start by telling my husband of 22 years that I had had an abortion all those years ago. Sharing my story with him and others meant that I would have to "go back" in time, recounting everything, the pain, the shame. But that experience, writing about it, was a priceless one, for me a foundation for real healing. Whether you share your story in a public way or not, I believe recounting and writing about it can bring complete healing. Eventually I would also share with our four children (high school, college-age). I did not want them or anyone they knew to make the same choice that I did. I wanted them to know that I was there for them no matter what.

After 28 years of silence - by God's infinite love and mercy - I was finally free from the shame of my abortion and that is why I am silent no more!

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