Jesus changes everything.

In October 1996, I found out I was pregnant with then boyfriends baby. He has a son a few years younger than me. This son told him that I had tricked him into getting me pregnant so that he would marry me. Then he convinced my boyfriend that he should demand I have an abortion. So my boyfriend came to me and told me that if I did not have an abortion , he would hate the child and probably get rid of me.

Because I didn't want him to hate the child or leave me, I agreed. So we went to the clinic in Wichita , KS. I wanted to run. I wanted to scream that I wanted my baby. I wanted to tell my boyfriend just where he could get off. But I was also scared.

I didn't know where I could go if he got rid of me. And I didn't know what would happen to me and my baby because I felt I had no other place to go. And quite simply, I still loved my boyfriend. So I let them remove my baby from the only safe haven he had. I was so heart broken after. My mind kept screaming BUT YOU WERE IN THE PRO LIFE RALLIES!!! YOU STOOD UP FOR THE UNBORN!!! WHY???? WHY THIS HORRIBLE BETRAYAL OF EVERYTHING YOU BELIEVED IN ????? I had no answer good enough.

For years afterward I felt so much pain. I tried to protect myself with marijuana. I tried going to church. I felt worthless and lower than scum. Like I didn't deserve the children I had or any I would have. In mid ‘97, I successfully tricked my boyfriend into getting me pregnant again, thinking if I could just show God He can trust me again, then He would forgive me. And I would kill the pain in my heart. But it didn't work. I still cried all the time. I yelled at and berated my boyfriend. I withdrew from everything. Slept all the time. My life was headed in a downward spiral.

In Dec. of ‘98 , We got married. That still didn't help. I felt so unworthy of Gods forgiveness and the gift of Jesus’ blood. And then, I joined the Light of the World Christian Center. A church in Topeka where we moved ( moving didn't help either btw.) One night when I shared with Assistant Pastor Frances Newell my experience, he prayed with me. Of a sudden, in my ear, I heard a whispering comforting voice. It was Jesus, I just knew it. After five long years, I finally heard what I desperately needed to hear. He said "that's the last time you will EVER cry about that", and I went down. Landed right on my backside. I knew what was happening so I laid down and let Him touch me. When I got up, the pain was gone. The degradation was gone. Feelings of unworthiness were gone. Hatred for my Husband was gone. All that was left was His peace. I was free.

Fast forward to 2004. I was reading a news article one night on Forgiven and Set Free. I had been asking the Lord what I could do for Him.  "Please Lord use me." When I read the article, I felt deep in my spirit that I should call Barb Saldivar, who was starting these bible studies. So I did . And I shared my story. Since then I have been working with Barb to learn how to conduct these bible studies so I can help others who are where I have been.

I am still dealing with fringes of my experience, but this time, I've got Jesus. I am free today, because Jesus changes everything.

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