Good morning/ good afternoon

My life verse genesis 50:20 

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to keep many people alive.

My name is Elizabeth, I am from California, I am 62-yrs old. For over 20 yrs. I hid behind a very shameful secret that I had been in, while in church for almost half of my life, and I never told anyone, until my pastor asked if I would give my testimony, before a small women’s bible study. I knew it was time that I faced my shame and regret, and I really wanted to let it out.

Between the ages of 22-29, I had a total of four abortions, on my first one, I was told by a very close family, that it wasn’t a baby, it was a clump of cells. I really didn’t know what that meant. I only remember hearing " it wasn’t a baby. At the time of this abortion, I was married with 2 small babies ages 2 & 1 and I was now pregnant with my third. I was in a very abusive relationship, where I was beaten beyond recognition too many times, stabbed 22 times by a screwdriver by my ex-husband, who was addicted to drugs. That week, I was scheduled to leave to the police academy, it was my chance to be free and on my own financially. I had the abortion on Friday, August 15, 1986, left to the police academy two days later. 

I remember that I was driven into the parking lot, there was no one out there trying to tell me not to go in, once inside I was put into a dark room where no one talked, they had me sign some papers. I was taken to a procedure room, I never met the doctor, and I did not receive an ultrasound. They didn’t even try to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I was put under anesthesia, woke up with someone slapping my hand, to get up quicky, drink some juice with cookies, get dressed and be discharged, no one explained anything to me, only that i would bleed like my menstrual cycle.

I tried to suppress what happened and not think about it, I got through it right? Since I got through it, so I thought, I continued to have three more abortions. A total of four within six years.

After the fourth, I can honestly say my life was spiraling out of control, I lost my mind, I was very angry, depressed, suicidal, hopeless, I became addicted to drugs. I had so much hate, fighting domestic violence in my home, it was hard to love my children, and have a loving, peaceful home. I thought having a home and providing was enough, but it wasn’t. I was very out of control, I was a very angry person, inside I was screaming for help, and I didn’t know it.

 

In 1992, I came to Jesus, and surrendered my life to Christ as my Lord and Savior, without the love of my Heavenly Father who has forgiven me, and healed my mind, my will and emotions, I wouldn't be here today. I thank God for redeeming me, saving me, and using me and my mess. I am now a message of hope, to help many moms.

I did get the job in law enforcement, while working in a mental hospital, I was assigned to take a pregnant female for an abortion, by this time I was in church and I knew abortion was wrong. I tried to talk her out of it, but she began to yell very loudly in public, " I don’t care, I have had 17 abortions, I don’t care, I don’t want this baby”, she had lost her mind. My job was to take her, transport her, escort her all the way for her abortion. 

No one knew about my abortions. But I knew God wanted me to see what an abortion really is. With my eyes wide open, I went into Planned Parenthood, this time to observe , not as a patient, but to guard my prisoner. I saw the tray of the aborted baby after the abortion, I saw it’s body ripped to pieces, I saw it’s hands, arms, legs, shoulder and feet. I watched as the nurses had to put the baby back together, (like a puzzle) with no emotion, as if it was nothing. That day changed my life forever, it literally broke my heart, when I got home, I cried out to the Lord, in true repentance, I repented and asked god to forgive me, " I truly didn’t know".

I have found help and forgiveness and have put myself through abortion recovery inner healing groups, it was life changing, to sit with other moms, who had abortions, we cried together, prayed for each other, and named our babies, and I highly recommend this.

I have sat each of my living children down, and told them about my abortions, before I could go public, I told my grandchildren, because I didn’t  want them to go through what I went through.

About 10 years ago, while going through a inner healing course, I heard satan’s voice, he said to me ," shame has been my protection, that day I took authority, and I said to satan," today I am breaking through that shame", shame has no control over me and for this reason " I am silent no more". 

I am a sidewalk counselor, in my area, of San Bernardino, CA. We are saving babies, because it is God’s will for every baby to live. I tell moms, all your circumstances can change " mine did" but once you take that baby’s life , you can’t bring your baby back. I regret my abortions, not a day goes by, that I don’t think about them, or look at my three living children, and wonder who they would look like….

After over 20 years of so much pain, I have forgiven myself, I am free from my shame and that’s why " I am silent no more".