I had an abortion because, well...this is a long story.  To understand what kind of a place I was in at that moment in my life I feel you need to know a little bit about where I came from.

I was raised in a single parent household by a teenage mother.  I was the first of four living children and at least two aborted siblings, all with different fathers.  I knew my father but he wasn't as involved as he should have been.  My mother should have never been a mother.  She was selfish, always partied, had sex with many different men and did many drugs in front of me.  I did a lot of the raising of my siblings.

I was saved and went to church often as a child.  I loved the Lord with all my heart and still do.  When I was around twelve years old I met a boy in church and over the years we were off and on "a couple."  His parents were both pastors and we weren't allowed to be a couple.  I was planning on staying a virgin until I was married but this boy was very persistent and I was afraid to lose him.  At seventeen we both lost our virginity to each other and a short time later I found out I was pregnant with my first child.  I was against abortion completely and I didn’t want adoption so it was decided that I would keep the baby.  I knew that I should not marry this man, but to raise my child in my mother's home was out of the question.  She was not a mother and I didn't want my child to be exposed to the things I was exposed to growing up.  Because of this I decided to marry the baby's dad at seventeen while still in high school, even though I had a feeling it wasn't a good idea.  I was hoping I was wrong because I loved this man more than anyone I have ever loved in my entire life.  But I wasn't wrong.  After a horrible marriage and while I was pregnant with our second child I found out that while he was deployed overseas he had at least one affair with a woman from his military unit.  I suspected this but the proof was devastating and it took me down a spiral of wrong decisions, one after another.  Since I felt completely betrayed I decided I had to leave him and I couldn't work on the marriage.  I felt it was in his personality to not be faithful and I couldn't allow myself to feel that pain again.

Unfortunately, it was out of that same pain that I looked for another relationship to take the place of my husband.  I looked for a man to love me the way I loved and I jumped into a new relationship before my divorce was even filed, before I even moved out of our married home.  Oh, if I had a time machine!  I was pregnant right away and my second child from my marriage was only eight months old at the time.  My husband was manipulative and made me feel horrible about being pregnant by another man.  This baby's father didn't seem to be interested in having it either, since he was afraid what his religious family would think.  I asked him if he thought I should abort and he said he would support me in whatever decision I made!  Well, for me, all I needed to hear was, “Absolutely not!  We can make this work.  This is a baby!”  But instead I heard, “Support me in whatever decision I made,” which meant he wanted me to abort, but didn't want to look like the bad guy by saying it.  He was a weak man leaving the decision completely up to me and not stepping up!  I also felt dirty and my current husband loved it.  At this point I felt I shouldn't have ever left my husband, that I was gross, and that if I had this baby he would never take me back.  If he did he would hold it over my head forever that he was raising another man's child.  I made the appointment after canceling so many times.  I was still completely against abortion.  I knew I was carrying a child—my child!  And still I allowed this child's dad to drive me there. I hoped he would stop me!  He stayed in the waiting room while I had an ultrasound.  I saw my baby and felt numb, alone, hopeless, dirty, and every negative thought you could think. I felt them all.  I was going to do this even though I grew up saying I would never do this.  Just like I grew up saying I would marry a man who treated me with respect, just like I said I wouldn't have sex before marriage, just like I said I would never have children with more than one man.

A woman took me into a room and gave me a pill.  I accidentally referred to my baby as a baby and she quickly corrected me and said it was just tissue right now.  I thought to myself, “This is wrong.  My tissue had a head and body and a heartbeat.  I stayed on that table.  When it was over I sat up and saw a bloody mess in a jar on the counter in front of me.  I wouldn't let myself cry.  Other women came into a huge recovery room crying their eyes out and I got teary eyed but wouldn't allow myself to cry.  Before that point I was a crier about all things emotional or sad or happy.  From that moment on I learned to hold everything in.

A few weeks later I was still bleeding and my OB-GYN doctor said I tests were still showing me to be pregnant, so he scheduled an emergency D&C the next day.  I asked the nurse if I was still pregnant and if the baby was alive because I wanted to keep it.  I changed my mind, but she said it wasn't.  I was still with the father because I felt I couldn’t get anyone else and I had no support and couldn't live life alone.  My ex-husband was messing with my head and hurting me even more.  After hearing the news that my dead child's body was ripped apart inside my body all this time I cried like a crazy person, worse than a child having a temper tantrum.  My boyfriend tried to console me but I could tell he was scared of my cries.

After the D&C my boyfriend took me to my apartment and left me there alone with my two children so he could take care of some business in the new house he bought.  He never cared about that baby.  I moved in with him in his new home and for some reason we decided maybe I should have a baby.  We tried once and I changed my mind immediately, but it was too late.  I found out in January of 2005 that I was expecting.  Not once did I think there would be a problem because I had two previously healthy pregnancies.  I asked my doctor if I could still have children and he assured me that I could.  This baby was born two months early in August, the same month when I had the abortion of his sibling.  His blood had drained from his body into mine.  He lived seven days and seven hours.  We had to make the decision to take him off life support.  Again I was faced with a decision to kill my baby or not to kill my baby.  We were told he had zero brain function and that only his brain stem was working.

He died just two days before his sibling did a year before.  I left his father in August of 2006.  I have been dealing with the loss of my baby all this time and never realized that I have pushed away the loss of my aborted baby.  If I need to heal it needs to start with my first dead child!  I am remarried and my relationship is hard and rocky.  I am not the same mother now and I have never felt the same after the abortion.  I have been pregnant for the last four years in a row with my husband’s children.  I should be grateful, but with each pregnancy I am not.  All I have is being a good mother and these children need it.  The only promise I have been able to keep to myself from when I was still an innocent Christian was to stay off drugs and drinking because it ran in my family.  I've never even tried a cigarette or pot, but I can't deny that I have been tempted on many occasions.  I am not alright!  I'm not alright!

I know I am forgiven but I can't forgive myself.  I have not yet gotten help because I am at the beginning of realizing what needs to be done.  I found a support group in my area and will be attending.  I also plan to attend a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat that I found on the internet.  They are having one soon in my area.