When I was sixteen, I left home to avoid the responsibilities of being the oldest of five.  Against my mother’s protests, I moved in with a man, who gave me a diamond ring and promised marriage.  Before Christmas, I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend demanded that I get an abortion. It was easier to be pushed into abortion than to fight for my baby, not knowing how I would manage on my own.

The clinic was filled with other women, some somber, some laughing - all of us going in pregnant and coming out alone. The pain of the procedure was worse than I thought possible. I cried the whole time. For over an hour I was throwing up, repulsed by what I had done. I later told my boyfriend everything in graphic detail. He cried and told me if he had known how horrible it was, he would have never made me do it.

A year later, still on the pill, I got pregnant again. I thought this time, we would get married. He said, “You know what to do.” I started screaming my objections, but he insisted.  I told him I would never kill another one of my babies again, and left him. A few weeks later I miscarried. I was sure it was retribution from God for my abortion.

I felt condemned. I couldn’t look at a baby without crying. I built a shell around myself to deaden the pain. I was afraid of God, and angry at everybody. There was plenty of blame to go around.  I met and married my husband and had two more miscarriages, one before and one between my two children. I thought I was still being punished. I didn’t know God was grieving over my pain and leading me to my healing.  I tried to be a good mom, to teach my kids how precious life is. I went back to church, listened to people talk about God’s forgiveness. Layers of pain came off as God revealed more of His Love for me.

I got involved in pro-life events. I tried to talk to people, but the shame was so strong. I wrote a book about my abortion. It was a pivotal step in my release.

Last summer, I went through a post-abortion study called “Forgiven and Set Free”. I never expected the release it brought me. The relentless self-condemnation is gone! I am now free to speak for my children. I will never be held captive by the silence again!

One in four women have had an abortion! We can release one another out of the shame. When we are silent, we are imprisoned. When we speak, we share the way to freedom. The past no longer has a choke hold on my voice – and I will be silent no more!