I never imagined that I would do what I did.   I even criticized those girls I knew who have done it, yet the impact that this decision has brought to my life is unimaginable.

I scheduled an appointment with my doctor because I chose to have the Mirena IUD as my birth control but I couldn't go because of job related issues, then suddenly I started to cry for everything and I was physically tired and sleepy all the time.   At first I did not worry because my period has always been irregular, but still I decided to take a home test and surprisingly it came out positive. 

I felt terrible, and called my boyfriend. He was so happy.  I cried that night and couldn't sleep thinking of my parents’ reaction, and my college plans, and what people were going to say.  The next day I went to a community clinic that confirmed that I was pregnant; they referred me to a center where I could discuss my options.   I called and scheduled an appointment, I felt so scared, yet I was falling in love with my baby.  I was seven weeks pregnant.   When I went they performed a sonogram to see the actual age of my baby.  I never received counseling or some kind of advice from them.  They went straight to the point, I felt pressured and proceeded with the process.  When I went home after I experienced a mixture of guilt, shame, sadness and pain.   I had already ingested the first pill which stopped the baby’s growth, the second set of pills I took them alone in my home.   The pain from the contractions was nothing compared to the guilt I felt.   And then it happened. 

 I had an abortion because I was pressured by the possibility of disappointing my parents and because I thought I wasn't ready for a baby financially and was still living with my parents.   My boyfriend was also in a difficult situation but he told me to have the baby not matter what.   I did not listen and killed my baby, I don't know if it was a boy or a girl but I think it was a girl, and even had a name for her - Isabella.    Today I feel devastated because she would have been born by now and just to think about the fact that I am not going to see her face and I'm not going to hold her in my arms, makes me feel miserable.   I have never talked about this with my mother.  Sometimes I think that maybe she would have been supportive with the fact I was pregnant.   Every time I see a pregnant lady or a baby or maternity clothing I can’t help to think that I rejected the chance of having it all.

Every night before I fall sleep I think about my baby, I wander if she knows that I loved her and that I will never forgive myself for what I did.   I ask God for his forgiveness, and hope He has mercy on me when the final hour arrives.   If I had the opportunity to change what I did, I would choose life 100%.