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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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Sarah in Heaven
South Carolina, United States

I have an amazing story to share.  I grew up in a Christian home with two other siblings.  I had often told my mom that I wished she would have had more children, because I wanted more siblings.  When I was twelve years old, my mom was crying one Mother's Day (as she did every year) and we asked her what was wrong.   She told us that she had gotten pregnant as a teenager and when she wouldn't abort, her fiancé skipped town to join the military and her father (my Grandaddy) sent her away to an unwed mother's home, where she was forced to give the baby for adoption.  That was my older brother, John, who we later found and reunited with years later.  So I had my wish, another brother out there for me and I couldn't wait to find him.  But then one night, I had a very remarkable dream.  I was twenty-two years old and dreamt I was carrying on a conversation with a woman.  This woman looked like she belonged in Heaven.   She had no wings and was not an angel, but she had a glow about her and I know it sounds cliché; but she was wearing a white robe.  She looked to be in her early thirties, had blondish hair, looked quite a lot like my mom and even reminded me of her, too.  I had a burning knowledge in the dream that I absolutely had to find out this woman's name, that for some reason her name was of vital importance.   This preoccupation may be the reason I don't remember anything of our conversation, but as she turned to leave, I yelled out, "WHAT IS YOUR NAME?!"  The woman turned around rather slowly and with a somewhat solemn or even somber (I can't think of the right expression), she said, "Sarah."  I remember thinking, "That's it?  Why was that so important?  It's a very ordinary name."

But a couple weeks passed and the dream stayed with me; it felt much different that any dream I had had before.  So one day, as I visited mom, I began to tell her about this dream.  She only half paid attention because she was working on some craft at the time, but I still relayed all the detail and weird nature of the dream.  When I told her that I knew somehow that it was so majorly important that I find out the young woman's name, Mom said, "So, what was her name?"  I responded, "Sarah" and my mom gasped, as she immediately turned pale.  Then everything was instantly weird and I knew something was going on.  Now you must imagine my shock being that my mom was the most pro-life person I had ever known said, "There's something I never told you." 

She then went on to say that after she had given my half-brother John up for adoption, she became pregnant one year later.  Mom said that the pain of giving up a baby was so great, that she decided to abort this new child.  My head was reeling as this revelation was coming down on me, like mom had lived a secret life and this was difficult to swallow because my mom is the most open book type person you could meet.  She said that after the abortion, her parents never spoke of it again and she never shared it with anyone; like it never happened.  Well, she became a Christian some time later and told me she realized that abortion was murder and a sin.  She asked the Lord's forgiveness and He forgave, as He always does.  But she never mentioned this again until she went on a week-long Christian women's conference, where she shared the story. 

One of the women in her group told Mom that she had known many women who had lost their babies through miscarriage or abortion and that it was actually a very healing step to name the baby.   She explained that all babies go to Heaven because they are real people and it helps the grieving process to realize that and name the baby.  She then asked mom if the doctors had told her whether the baby was a boy or a girl and my mom said that they had not, but she always somehow knew in her heart that her baby had been a girl.   So mom thought about it and decided to name her Sarah!  My head was exploding and Mom was suddenly VERY interested in re-hearing all the details of the dream.   Mom asked how old Sarah looked and I guessed about thirty-two, and mom told me that is exactly how old she would have been if allowed to live here on Earth.  I told Mom that Sarah's hair was cut in the same manner mom's had been when she was in her early thirties, except that it was noticeably more blonde (Mom and I have medium brown hair).  My mom told me that Sarah's father had naturally bleached blonde colored hair!

 I was so shocked by the whole experience and didn't understand why God showed this to me or why I got the privilege of meeting my sister Sarah before anyone else.  It taught me several things, though:  #1 God still speaks: #2 No baby is wasted; God loves them all and wants them even if we don't; #3 Babies get to grow up in Heaven and we will see them again; be reunited with them again if we are saved and go to Heaven.   My mom (Beverly) went to Heaven almost two years ago when she was sixty years old and then my brother John, at the age forty-two (who I had waited so long to met), joined her about eight months afterward; very unexpectedly and without reason (the doctor who did the autopsy said that John's heart just stopped in the middle of the night and they couldn't find a reason why.  I often think that though I miss my mom more than I could express (she took about my whole heart with her to Heaven), how right it is that Sarah and John get to spend the time with her that they lost out on here. My biggest regret in the dream is that I didn't know Sarah was my sister and if I did, I would have given her such a great big hug, but that is one regret I plan to remedy as soon a the Lord has mercy and calls me home. 


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