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Cold and Uncaring
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Catherine
Pennsylvania,
United States
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In 2003 I was in a committed relationship with my present husband. We had three children and one we lost to miscarriage and one who died from a genetic disorder. I also felt trapped and suffocated in my relationship and began fooling around with a coworker. I was lying to so many people that I worked with. I told them that I was single and that my husband and I were not together anymore, although we were still together and still intimate.
A few periods later, I became pregnant with my husband's child. To avoid exposing myself for my lie, I told my lover that I was pregnant with his child. I told my husband that I didn't want another child and wanted to have an abortion. This was all because I didn't want my house of cards to fall, but it was under the guise that I didn't want to have another child that could suffer like our son who had passed away, or the possibility of that child having the same problems as our two sons. So I arranged to go to Jersey to have the abortion, and my lover took me. He remained in the car, which was fine by me.
The clinic was not what I was expecting. I expected it to be as it is usually advertised, with pictures of babies and understanding workers. What I got was an assembly line style of care. The workers were very cold and uncaring. I had an ultrasound but was not allowed to see my baby. It was just to determine the age. I received a finger prick to check my blood to see if I was positive or negative blood type. I was placed on a gurney, and a doctor who looked like he had performed a million procedures went over my information. He and his assistant performed the abortion and within a few minutes, it was over. I was escorted to another room where the post-abortive women "recovered." Because I chose to be awake, I was given my antibiotics and instructions and sent on my merry way. The whole thing took under an hour and I was pregnant no more. The most memorable thing was how cold and uncaring the entire staff was, up to and including the abortionist. No one smiled at me. No one offered any comfort or assuring words, not one single one.
So I went on to continue my behavior, attitude wise. I continued my affair without intercourse and I detached myself from my abortion. That Christmas, my now husband found out about my affair. Instead of leaving me or throwing me out, he proposed marriage. I was so shocked. I knew that he really loved and forgave me. I was unable to forgive myself and only recently have been able to begin forgiving myself. When I became pregnant again, instead of feeling like I was trapped, I was thrilled. So was my husband. It took me a long time to stop hating myself for what I did to my baby. I don't want to be silent anymore.
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