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Testimonies
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Pardoned
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Charlotte
California,
United States
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I am a wife, a mother, and a grandmother. My appearance of normalcy deceptively masks the reality of my abortion experience in the summer of 1971. There is nothing normal about aborting one’s child. It is a violent act inflicted upon both the mother and her baby. Women are created by God to nurture and protect children.
I am writing my true story to warn others who may be considering abortion to carefully consider not making the same fatal choice that I made over four decades ago when “choice became my god.”
Thinking back to the “idea of choice” during my childhood and early adult years, I remember being prevented during my growth and development stages from making a normal amount of choices. When I eventually became aware of the need to make my own choices in life, this mindset evolved and mutated into “choice becoming my god.” This false god ruled supreme above all other voices of reason, including God’s Holy voice. Rather than choosing my Heavenly Father’s gift of a child (Psalm 127:3) for me and my husband, I refused His gift of life, and instead chose death (Proverbs 14:12). I was abortion determined.
Humanly speaking, I could give you a convincing list of reasons for aborting my baby, many of which would appear valid from our culture’s point of view. The list would only include my reasons (not excuses) to clarify how my uncontrolled fears were magnified beyond all reason. I now know that Satan is a liar, a deceiver, and a destroyer and comes to us as an “angel of light.” (2 Corinthians 11:14)
My relentless fears during the unplanned pregnancy were magnified by the agony of a failing marriage, resulting in dreaded uncertainties about remaining a family unit. I also had feelings of inadequacy for raising my other children. In addition, I had serious doubts whether my body, medically, could manage another pregnancy. My perceived inability to handle whatever that might entail was beyond reason.
Perhaps you have many of the same fears if you are considering an abortion. I personally believe now that abortion is the highest form of child abuse. No other human being is as innocent and as needing of our protection as a baby in the womb -- no matter what the circumstances or timing of the baby’s conception. I know that had I trusted God’s path leading to life with my unplanned pregnancy, He would have abundantly provided life-affirming ways for me to overcome each one of my fears throughout the months of my pregnancy and beyond. God is the faithful One. (II Thessalonians 3:3, I Corinthians 10:13 and Proverbs 3:5-6)
By God’s mercy and grace, I have received ongoing comfort in knowing that my 7-week aborted baby was returned, upon its untimely death, to the safety of Heaven. My husband and I have always believed that our baby was a girl, so after my completion of post-abortion recovery classes at a local pro-life pregnancy center, we named her Rose in remembrance. (Psalm 139:13-16)
It took me ten years to repent of my abortion. During that traumatic decade, I initially experienced a sense of relief (nausea gone and “problem solved”), but my first denial stage quickly evolved into unexpressed grief and then into a deep pit of depression and crippling shame. Because my abortion was a secret to everyone except my husband, a cluster of normal human emotions began to freeze up inside of me, isolating me emotionally and psychologically from my family and friends. I also experienced intense insecurity about making decisions for everyday situations. I was confused and conflicted. Even though I was full of shame, I hung on to my defenses, making intellectual excuses for the cause of pro-choice during 1st trimester pregnancies. By God’s mercy, those ten years allowed for all of my excuses to fall away from my grief’s dazed denial.
Before my abortion, I only understood intellectually the gift of God’s mercy. After my abortion and subsequent repentance, my heart understood emotionally the gift of God’s mercy. (Psalm 103:10-14) How, you might wonder?
Remembering back to the time of my repentance for aborting my baby, I pictured myself, guilty as charged, in God’s Holy courtroom...
God was sitting on a platform high above the rest of us at a massive wood desk, and He was holding a huge wooden gavel. God struck the gavel with the strength of divine authority as He began the court proceedings. For the sake of justice, God looked intently at me, the defendant. I had no defense. I sensed that I was being viewed as a pariah in the human eyes of the courtroom attendees.
In my mind’s eye, I saw God declare the facts of my abortion before the court. He waited for my reply. I said, “Yes, Holy God, I did abort my baby, and I am guilty.” I had owned up and surrendered. I knew instinctively that God’s Holiness could not permit my evil decision of abortion to go unpunished. He was about to pass judgment upon me and rightly so. I was ready to hear my perception of a just punishment -- a life for a life. (Galatians 6:7-8)
At that crucial moment, Jesus Christ entered God’s courtroom. I stood accused. Jesus declared that He was my Defense Attorney, of which I was in mortal need. I watched Jesus Christ respectfully address God, asserting that He, God’s Son, not only died on Calvary’s cross for my sin of abortion but that He also died for the sins of the whole world. Jesus asserted that He was the Substitute for my sins, declaring me pardoned from sins’ death penalty. His mercy would also be provided daily for the ongoing consequences of my sin. (I Timothy 2:5-6, Romans 5:8-11, and I Peter 3:18)
By faith, I thankfully accepted Jesus’ mercy on my behalf. It was my free gift but came at a great price to Jesus. There was nothing I could do or say to earn his merciful gift to me. After His death on the Cross, burial, and resurrection on the third day, the power of sin and death was broken, and I had been pardoned and redeemed by the Blood of the sacrificial Lamb.
In God’s courtroom, He saw and continues to see Christ’s Righteousness imputed in me instead of seeing my flawed human condition. Because of Jesus’ redeeming gift, I have been set free to follow Him -- forgiven. To God be the glory! (Romans 3:23-26)
For the remainder of my life, I want to join with others as we attempt to save the lives of innocent pre-born babies from abortion’s death chamber by sharing the redeeming love of God and the good news of His forgiveness with their mothers and fathers. The womb need not be a baby’s tomb(Proverbs 14:27).
For this reason, I am silent no more.
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