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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

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Never Again Take a Life
Gwen
Kenya, Kenya

I had just started dating this guy. He was sweet to me and adored me. He took me on a trip out of town two weeks into our relationship. We had sex a lot of times without protection. I told him to pull out, but each time he claimed to forget.

Later, he told me he wanted a baby. He said it a lot of times. I told him I wasn't ready. Many days after that, he would not let us use protection. I feel responsible, and I should have asked him to use protection or at least taken birth control pills. I took emergency pills four different times in a month, each time after unprotected sex. I knew I was being reckless, but I just went on.

I then found out he was cheating on me with another woman and had an abusive past. He hit his past girlfriend and was unapologetic about it. I resolved to leave him, but he begged me to stay. Later, I discovered I was pregnant. I was freaked out, but I knew I was going to keep the baby. He said we should keep it and that he would support me. Deep inside, I did not trust him, as men in my family didn't really stick around for us. I was also afraid he would be abusive with me. I had just landed a new job and was finishing graduate school, how could I possibly have a baby?

I told my sister, and she told me to go for the pill, which should be taken in the first trimester. My friends urged me to keep it. Days later, I was experiencing the worst sadness, and I felt trapped by this man to stay with him.

I went to the abortion clinic for the first time.  I turned back and returned home without taking the pill. A week later, I returned to the clinic and took the pill. I don't know what got into me; it was like I had no conscience. I didn't consider I was carrying life inside me.

After taking the first pill, I felt relieved that I was no longer pregnant. After about 24 hours, it all set in. I felt my baby's life leave me. I had believed that it was just a blob of tissue yet to become a life. But at that moment when the pill killed my baby, I felt life leave me. I felt empty and immediately I knew I had committed the unthinkable. I had killed my own baby, my blood. My baby had given me so much purpose for the few weeks I was pregnant, and I was quick to end his/her life. I called the doctor at Marie Stopes and asked if I could change my mind. He said my baby had already died, and I had to take the second pill to expel the embryo. To me, it was more than an embryo, yet I was so quick to end a life.

I told my boyfriend that I no longer felt pregnant, and we should go to hospital, after I took the second abortion pill. I had no choice but to take the second pill as I knew I had already murdered my baby. He was alarmed and took me to hospital when I started bleeding. Everyone at the hospital and my friends believed I had a miscarriage, only my sister knew I had an abortion, which I regret to this moment. I just couldn't let people know I had ended the pregnancy.  They were all excited about it, and I also didn't believe what I had just done.

Three weeks later, all I can think about is getting another baby.  Suddenly nothing matters. I have fought for so many things in my life: career, relationships, and my studies.  Yet I wouldn't fight for my baby. It kills me that I ended a life. I have asked God to forgive me.  Now I feel a sense of peace but the fact that I lost my baby, and it's my fault, haunts me. I miss the way my baby gave me hot flushes, and I miss the backaches and morning sickness. Mostly, I miss the feeling of having a life inside of me. I plan to get pregnant in the next six months.  I hear it's called an atonement baby. I just want God to give me another chance to give life and care for a precious life.  I can't help but wonder if my baby's soul can return to me in my next pregnancy.

I have been a vibrant person, but after the abortion I lost interest in everything that gave me joy. To anyone reading this, PLEASE KEEP YOUR BABY, no matter what.  God always makes a way. It’s sad, I realize that now.  Everyone turns abortion into a political debate, but they never really consider what goes on in the mind of the pregnant girl or woman. She needs support and assurance that she can do it, alone or with someone. I was never really pro-life till now.  No matter what, just choose life. 

I hope His Grace will be sufficient enough for me because I am under serving after ending a life. ABORTION IS MURDER, don't do it, you will regret it. I am silent no more about my abortion.  I regret my abortion, and I will never take a life again. 

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