I had three abortions within a couple of years.
I grew up in a household of verbal abuse, physical abuse, and there was rape of a sibling and possibly myself. I have blocked out most of the bad stuff, but I remember telling my mother that I was not comfortable with the way my dad touched me. My mother told me it was all in my head.
I got beat for defending my mother more times than I can remember. My most vivid memory was when I was in high school. My mother ran to me for protection and fell on the floor. I laid on top of her, and my dad kicked her in the shoulder and me in the eye with his steel tip boots. He then grabbed me by the back of my pajamas and threw me over our king size bed. I hit the wall on the opposite side of the room and slid down. The next day I went to school with a black eye. When I was asked what happened, for the first time, I spoke up and said my dad did it. I was tired of living like this. But not one teacher or student came to my aid. I felt so alone, because I was crying out for help, and nobody was even attempting to help me. I was on my own. I felt unloved. I lay in my bed at night trembling with fear and having reoccurring nightmares.
I dated a lot of guys, but I would have one or two dates and never hear from them again, when things seemed to go fine. (I did not know at the time that the first boyfriend I had at 15 had been stalking me and threatening the guys I was dating. I was stalked until I was 27.) But I was too ignorant to figure it out, even when a boyfriend told me that he broke up with me because my ex threatened him and said he wasn't the only one. I started drinking and smoking marijuana and occasionally cocaine. I started having sex, because I thought sex was love (that was not the case), and I wanted that feeling of being loved.
One of my pregnancies was due to rape, one was by a man I did not know was married, and the other one was from unprotected sex. When my mother found out about my first pregnancy, she told me I needed to get an abortion before my dad found out. My dad was the only person on earth I was afraid of.
I was told when I went in for consultation that a baby wasn't a baby until it was born, so this state of mind got me through three guilt-free abortions, or so I thought.
I later married the only man that stayed around. After having my daughters, I started feeling deep regret and sadness for the things I had done in the past, especially after hearing testimony from people that had premature babies that survived at three and four months of gestation and turned out to be normal children.
How could I have been so naïve and blind? Why did my own mother encourage such a thing?
I robbed my daughters of knowing their siblings. One of the hardest things I ever had to do was tell my children about my abortions. Why did I? Because I didn't want them to make the biggest mistake of their lives the way that I did. It is something that I can never take back. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.
I told my daughter that, if she ever found herself in that situation and felt she was not ready or did not want the baby, that I would take care of him or her.
I have told many people about what I have done. Sure, I am ashamed of what I have done. But hopefully, by telling others, I can change someone’s mind about making a decision you can never ever take back.
I don't remember having any of the procedures, because I have blocked it out. I did feel some relief that my father did not know, that my mother gave her OK, and the “fact” that it wasn't a real baby yet (which I was told at the referring facility).
Because of my past, I have had thoughts of suicide, depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I am also bi-polar and have ADHD. Needless to say, I have had a strained relationship with almost everyone I have ever loved.
The only way I have begun to heal is returning to my Catholic faith, going to Communion, and confession. I didn't know what real love felt like until these last few years. I go to church and feel instant love and peace when I am there. I finally feel what love is. I know that God has forgiven me for ALL of the horrible things I have done.
My healing program is my Lord and Savior.
To my Dear Children in Heaven,
I am so sorry for what I have done. I know you have forgiven me, the Lord has forgiven me, and I have forgiven myself. In your memories, I pledge to tell my story to as many mothers contemplating abortion and share the importance of virginity until marriage. Pray for your family down here.
I look forward to meeting you someday soon, as this is a short life here on earth.
With all my Love,