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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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I Cannot Stay Silent
New Jersey, United States

My name is Anne, and I’m from NJ. 

In 1974, right after my 16th birthday, I had an abortion in New York City.  I went there after being told by a doctor to “say you are 18” and to bring cash. I collected money from my friends. Much of it was in change in a bag. I did not have the full amount they wanted, but the clinic took me, anyway. I did not want general anesthesia, but they told me after examining me that I needed it because of the size of the baby. I only remember thinking it would be better to die than to go home to my mother, who had borderline personality disorder, and be pregnant.  So, I agreed, assuming I’d probably die.

I didn’t die.

My first feeling after the abortion was relief, because of my home situation. I never wanted to be intimate with anyone again, but a couple of years and a lot of alcohol later, I wanted to replace that baby. I drank heavily for five years following the abortion.  The only thing that stopped me was a deep and lasting conversion experience. As a Roman Catholic, I confessed the sin, experienced God’s forgiveness, and put it out of my mind.  But I still did not want to get close to anyone. When I did not drink, I was an emotional overeater and felt strangely disconnected to infants and very small children.

Many years later I attended a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat, which helped me. I later got married and had three children, although I miscarried five.

I have NEVER forgotten my first child, who I call Maureen Ann, and who I grieve differently than my miscarried babies. They are all in God’s hands, but it was only the first that should not have been gone so soon. Yet I am glad she was conceived and is with God, so I may meet her someday.

Currently there are many people in the news fighting without shame for abortion. I am so sickened by this that I cannot stay silent. They really have no idea what they are saying or doing. It makes me sick to hear a guy who plays “Captain America” fight to kill children. That’s why I cannot stay silent.


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