I had my abortion when I was 21, in my third year of nursing school. I’ve come to understand that the choice I made was a sinful choice driven by my own pride, a choice that would have consequences for the rest of my life. I spent more than 20 years lying to myself, confused, and filled with hidden shame. But, by The Lord’s Grace and Redemption, those consequences have led me to this place, this ministry. In making the choice to abort, I never considered that I was nurturing a life inside me, a gift, created by God. I only saw the inconvenience this would cause to me, my family and my friends, especially to the father of this baby. So rather than consider the life growing inside me, I chose abortion. When I arrived at the clinic, I was in complete denial of that life. I considered my action that day simply as a clinical procedure, a procedure known only to me, my best friend who drove me to Buffalo and the father of the baby. The clinic staff convinced me that I made the best decision, especially considering my circumstances, 13 weeks, with one more year of nursing school.
For the next twenty years, I threw myself into my work, striving and pushing to overcome organizational challenges, trying to create top performing teams, hardening my heart to the emotional and spiritual pain that was deep inside me, pain caused by my abortion, caused by the guilt and shame from this hidden secret, the sin I couldn’t own.
Even after I fell in love, married, and attempted to get pregnant, the pain continued. My inability to conceive after marriage brought more pain and was the first thing that made me face the consequences of my decision to abort. And the consequences we painful, for me and for the people I loved. As I grew in my faith, this choice that I made, so many years before, continued to haunt me. I began to understand that the choice I made, to have an abortion, was indeed a sin.
It was the acknowledgement of the abortion as a sin that opened the door for the Lord to begin a healing redemptive work in me. The Lord used my pain to begin a journey of healing; a journey that included trials and Blessings, and Rachel’s Vineyard and Silent No More were two of those Blessings. Along this journey, our gracious God gave me a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter through adoption and a call to serve Him He also showed me the son I aborted, gave me a name for him, Samuel John, and led me to minister to those who’ve been struggling with this sin.
I know now that when I left the clinic that day, I committed a sin, a horrific act. I succumbed to the lies! I worked hard to hide the guilt and the shame, a sin that eventually I had to deal with. And I know now that the God of all creation gave His own Son, Jesus Christ, for my sin, my abortion. And I know now that no sin, even abortion, is too much for Him to forgive.
To all of you who have experienced the pain of abortion, know that God’s grace is for you. Choices are available to you. Jesus was and is and will always be available to you, loving you and ready to forgive you and set you free. The sweet taste of this freedom is why I have chosen to be Silent No More!