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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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Elaine and Melody
Saskatchewan, Canada

My name is Elaine.

I chose to have an abortion when I was 19.  At that time I was very dysfunctional, alone and confused.  My mother had died when I was 14 and, although I lived with my Dad, he was hardly ever home, depressed and basically unable to parent.  

When I became pregnant, while using contraceptives, I saw a doctor who was very pro-abortion.  She said, "Have an abortion; it's easy."   Then she said, "It's not really a baby; more like a little sprouted wheat seed at this stage."  What I really needed to know were the true facts of fetal development, and that free love was not freeing or loving.  It was only sex, and it comes with responsibility!  All choices have consequences.

After the abortion, I felt a strange emptiness.  Not only was my child gone, but that special part of me that made me want to be a wife, mother, and even a woman was damaged.  I wanted to forget and started to drink harder and do harder drugs.  My boyfriend (the father of the aborted child) suggested that we get married!  He was equally as confused and mixed up as I was!  

We did get married, and our first live child was born a year to the due date of the aborted child.  I had a hard time bonding with my child.  For 10 years my husband and I struggled in our relationship and with addictions.  We never discussed the abortion.  What a mess!  

We met someone while travelling, who shared their faith with us, and we became Christians.  That was the beginning of our healing journey.  We attended a Bible study with a couple who shared that they had had nine miscarriages.  They desperately wanted a child and could not understand how a women could choose abortion.  

I got pregnant and had to have an ultrasound at nine weeks of gestation.  I still believed the lie that at nine weeks of gestation, a baby is like a sprouted wheat seed.  This is when the truth really hit home for my husband and me, as we saw a very alive little human being on the ultrasound screen - not a wheat seed!

In 2007, I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat.  I experienced incredible help and healing from my abortion.  I came to realize that I love being a woman, wife, mother and now grandmother.  This is why I am silent no more.

My Name is Melody

I was 16 I found out I was pregnant . I was scared and desperate. So I agreed with my FAMILY and FRIENDS to have an abortion. There was no counselling or there were no Options presented to me and I thought my life would change forever if I had this child. I believed it was just a clump of tissue. I didn’t know until later that my parents were looking into a home for young mothers. I thought abortion was my only option and I chose it.
About a month later, I found myself very depressed; I slept a lot because life was much better in a dream.  I didn’t care what happened to my body.  I remember drinking alot and using LSD, Mushrooms anything to forget.   I had many sexual relationships, just feel some sort of love.. 
I went on a low-dose birth control pill and got pregnant again after missing some pills. I told the father and he said it was up to me. I understood he was saying, I don’t care about the baby. SO I drank more and did more drugs, not even considering the life inside.

I was three months pregnant when I finally told a family member.  I went to a clinic in the states, because I was 12 weeks.  I was awake for the whole procedure. I heard the suction and I seen the jar fill up. The nurse said it was just tissue. But I knew the truth but tried to block it out.  I drank so much that night, trying to forget what I done.
Later I got pregnant a third time, on purpose in the same year.  I’ve learned that many women who experience multiple abortions often do that. I got married and had our baby, but we divorced six months later. 

My son was 3 when I had my third abortion  I drove myself because I didn’t want to tell anyone I was going to climb onto that table again. The procedure was extremely painful. Afterward, I was weak and bleeding heavily but I didn’t want to go back to the hospital. I had to stay at a friend’s house because I couldn’t drive myself all the way home.  
Some say how can you do this three times, I don’t know when I look back its desperation ?  But I do know that a lot of women do use this as a form of birth control and block it out until one day it hits you.

One day, on TV, I heard the testimony of a woman who had an abortion. I finally knew I wasn’t alone. Oh man did I cry that day and grieve my children and what I did. I asked God to forgive me. Later I wrote a song for my three aborted children so that others could identify with my pain. It was a love letter to them, filled with my regret.
I never talked about my abortions to anyone, I would only tell doctors 1 or 2 never 3. Through years of searching, I found Jesus who would forgive all I had done. He set me free from the shame and healed my pain. I also found Rachels vineyard to help me with a deep healing that was needed .
God gave me courage to speak out . I wanted to be a voice for my children, to reach women with a message of healing and to expose the lies about abortion. I now had a purpose and so do my children, I gave them a voice!. . 

I still find myself mourning my unborn children at times and it pains me to imagine what they experienced while they were torn apart by that machine by a doctor. They were destroyed due to my ignorance and a violent  form of birth control. 
I have three beautiful children and NOW I have 11 grandchildren and one was born premature. 34 weeks but she is thriving and ALIVE and they are ALL a gift of GOD.
I will always remember my unborn children Cherice, Daniel and Tamara 

For them, I am Silent No More.


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