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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

EXPRESS YOUR REGRET

Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously


 
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It is still a Vivid Memory
Carol
Arizona, United States

1975 was the time of free love – sex and partying.  I was about to graduate from college; my life finally turned around.  And I was pregnant, again!  I had to make a choice and I chose to terminate the child who I thought could ruin my whole life.   It was no time for a baby. The school nurse told me there was an easy solution, just go down the street to the local Planned Parenthood and have an abortion.  

After 46 years it is a still a vivid memory, lying on a cold table in a heartless room.  A room where my child died as well as my inner self.  My son Matthew was vacuumed from my womb and like a freshly cleaned carpet; the footsteps of my sin were erased.     
And for the outer Carol, the one that some came to know, the path that led me to murder my own child became a memory that only I shared, only I felt and only I hated.   In my loneliness, in my forsaken world, I could only screech making alien noises like the born alive baby Kermit Gosnell murdered. Those who knew me at the time of my abortion forsook me – leaving me in an empty dorm room to cry for my child.  The father of the baby paid his dues – taking me to dinner and acting like nothing had just transpired – that our child had become dust and mud in a vacuum bag to be discarded with the rest of today’s trash.  After dinner, he brought me back to my dorm room and again I was forsaken, left alone with my misery.   I never saw him again.  

Night after night I saw the face of the nurse at Planned Parenthood who laughed at me when I started to sob upon being awakened after the abortion.  She was laughing as I screamed “I want my baby back and to put it back inside me.”  She even called another woman over to share in her cruel laughter.  After days of crying, I decided to put this behind me and pretend like it never happened.  But I secretly obsessed thinking about what this child would have been like – his personality, his looks.  I wondered what, if allowed to breathe, my child would have become.   

I realized I had done something awful – after that I could do nothing right.  I partied hard to forget, was promiscuous, used drugs and alcohol.  I felt that those I loved had forsaken me in my time of need, that the world was forsaking me and that I could no longer do anything right. The self-loathing brought me to a world of darkness. A world where love was an obsolete word and hate was the name of the game.    I deserved punishment and found someone to help me in this goal.  My self worth had deteriorated.  I gained weight, stopped wearing make-up and did not care what I wore.  My husband abused me and I deserved his abuse. 

Thirty years later, in church, I begged forgiveness for my sin – but did not feel forgiven.  The priest I spoke to told me to ask forgiveness of my child.  Over and over, I asked my child to forgive me.  In a vision, I saw 3 babies playing in the clouds.  One turned to me and said “Hi, Mommy.”  It was at this moment I knew I had been forgiven.  But still I kept my dark secret telling only my children and asking them to tell no one.  

At a 40 Days for Life Vigil, I saw a woman carrying a sign that said “I regret my abortion.”   I regretted my abortion and wanted to carry that sign.  I was convicted. On the sidewalk, I knew I had a message.  I had learned the healing power of forgiveness.  I am Silent No More.


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