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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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I Paid Someone to Do This
North Carolina, United States

The first two abortions were with the same partner in Texas, one year apart. I can hardly remember any of it. It was nothing more to me than getting a tooth pulled. I was 18 and 19.  I hadn't started college yet, had dreams of working hard and "saving the world" one day. Babies just didn't fit into that plan, especially when I knew my partner was not the person I would marry. How dare I! I was far enough along with the first that I believe I may have just started the second trimester. I will have to look back at my records, but 15 weeks sounds familiar. Any gestational period is too far along. My baby was a baby, waiting to be born. I killed them, I don't even know whether to say boy or girl. The clinic was required by law to make me wait a "24hr period" to give me time to consider my choice. Why? I knew what I wanted, a way out of my responsibility. They did not tell me what the baby looked like, they did not tell me the gestational development, they did not offer adoption or counseling, they showed fictitious drawings/artistic depictions of what the blob looked like, they said the "fetus" does not feel pain. Fetus sure is an ugly and impersonal word for PRE-BORN BABY. They offered me a drug to not feel the pain of my baby being ripped from me. The first time, I didn't feel anything, the second time, I forgot to bring extra money to buy the drug and wasn't able to take it at the time. It felt horrendously awful and I bled for weeks. Bitter relief.

The third abortion I remember very vividly. I was not in a committed or serious relationship with my child's father, he demanded an abortion immediately without any consideration otherwise. It had been so easy in the past, why not a third "birth control" procedure? I did not want to raise a child with him, but I was offended by his adamancy to not consider anything else. How do we go about knowing that a child will arrive soon, so kill it before it develops any further?? "Just a clump of cells" has to be the most detestable argument for killing a human, especially when it is a blatant and deliberate lie. I was a devout atheist at the time, and for many years prior. I did not value my own life, how could I value anyone else's? The clinic had protesters outside, this time in North Carolina instead of Texas. They begged me to stop, said my baby still has a chance, called me "Mama." I was so angry I flipped them off and cursed them. How dare Christian zealots impose their beliefs on my life when they won't help me take care of the baby after it is born? The staff was impersonal, indifferent, basically mindless zombies shuffling duties between clipboards and pill containers. There was no concern for anyone's well-being, they were there to do a job and leave at the end of the day. I took the pills that were designed to kill my child, waited for my turn in the operating room. Other women were there because they had too many kids already or wanted to wait. This is our right, right? When it is legal, it is hard to understand how it could be wrong. The nurses were required to hold me down, and keep me awake at the same time, so the doctor could explain to me in vague detail what was happening as it was happening, and the nurses would repeat it. I reared off the bed and screamed, "Something is wrong!" Of course, I am paying someone to murder my child inside of me, how much more wrong could it get?

This was by far the darkest, emptiest, coldest, most lost and suicidal, vulnerable time in my life for the next 5 months. I lived in a haunted trailer in the Appalachian Mountains, experienced countless ghosts, spirits, demons, and shadow people, as well as anomalous radio sounds and banging. This quickly shifted my beliefs to agnosticism. I was living with my third child's father. Although we were not intimate again after our abortion, we were on a joint lease together for another hellacious 10 months of screaming, fighting, and abuse. On February 14, 2013, I was visited by my saving grace, a voice sent to me from above, literally. I acknowledged it, as I had become accustomed to doing with all the spirits in the house. People will think I am out of my mind crazy, and I certainly felt that way while experiencing all of these unexplainable occurrences, and I wasn't experiencing them alone either. We also offered our rooms to two homeless criminals we were trying to help out because "No one else had ever given them a chance." Well, they were also experiencing the same anomalies by themselves and also together with me. Nothing was crazier to me than this booming voice telling me I "was going to die soon if I didn't turn to God." - Completely sober for months, mind you- I didn't believe in any "God," so the advice was astonishing and unrecognizable from any inner dialogue I had ever heard. For the first time in my life, I decided to take a leap of faith, and began my journey on the search for "God." Which God, whose God, who is God? 

I learned about many religions, cultures, practices, beliefs and history. It wasn't long before I found Jesus, repeatedly, and began allowing faith to guide me. I still didn't believe, really, but I knew I had to get rid of these demons somehow, whether they were psychological, spiritual, metaphorical or metaphysical, I needed something/someone to protect me and answer some questions.  I knew Jesus was the closest ideal of human compassion and sacrifice, and popular philosophies were unable to encompass the totality of life. I "prayed" for God to reveal himself to me, and it still wasn't until after my fourth child was born, my only child born, that I started to realize how and why abortion is so evil. 

I don't have to use the Bible to explain the biological reproductive process, or the statistical data that identifies 97% of abortions are NOT reproductive "healthCARE" but inconveniences for the mother, or that bodily autonomy is afforded to every person on Earth through the same biological process, and that privilege of delivery does not entitle us to rob anyone else's biological process, particularly that of innocent, unborn babies that did not commit the mistake and/or crimes of their parents, and should not be held responsible to the highest criminal degree by the death penalty. I don't need anecdotal ideology to vindicate rape victims' decisions to exercise their "right" when the focus should not be on killing babies but on preventing unwanted pregnancies from ever occurring. Why allow rapists and sex offenders to continue living life freely, with mild to moderate or no limitation, but allow pre-born infants to suffer the death penalty for somebody else's crime? Regardless of my religious affiliation and practices, biology and reproductive education can set the record straight for everyone and end the "clump of cells" argument once and for all. 

I became pregnant with my fourth child October 31, 2018. I knew instantly, told my partner right away, before even laying down next to him. Had to wait four weeks to miss menstruation before making an appointment, I didn't need a test. I felt the development in those four weeks, the changes in my body, the implantation, the fear of responsibility. My partner wanted an abortion, but I had already been saved by Jesus Christ, and promised that would never be an option again. I still didn't understand why abortion was wrong but the commandments demanded faith from me. I still considered giving up again, but every time I tried making a call, my body overflowed with tears uncontrollably and I heard the voice of my child begging for a chance. Told my partner he could pay for the procedure and never see me again, would tell everyone it was a one-night stand but I'm keeping this baby. I stepped up, and so did he. We saw the ultrasound at 7 weeks. My child was kicking his foot! I thought they didn't have body parts at that point. I knew at that moment I had been wrong, but the inconvenience of this horrible truth was too much to bear during my pregnancy. I still tried to spout pro-choice nonsense. Shame on me! My beautiful son was born July 29, 2019, and the next year while staying home with him, I began my journey for truth. What did the statistics actually say? What did the data actually show us? What is real and what is propaganda? I was shocked, horrified, offended, and tormented by the facts I had to face. I am a murderer. I will live with this till my dying breath. The regret, sorrow and remorse fuels me with passion to do anything to bring light to this issue and end all abortions! 

As for the adverse effects, I had already been suffering depression, drug and alcohol abuse, suicidal ideation, relationship problems, mental illness, promiscuity- clearly, and nightmares from my own past traumas with my biological father. The abortions did not cause these struggles, but they certainly exacerbated them. The hormonal and chemical imbalances alone were enough to make these symptoms worse. It wasn't until I saw my son's 7-week ultrasound on December 20, 2018, that I realized the babies I was pregnant with before him were much older, bigger, and more developed. This was the beginning of my shift in consciousness. Shortly thereafter, I saw Abby Johnson speak to Congress about her experience with Planned Parenthood, and former abortionists describe to Congress the process of ending these children's lives. They used terms like "alive," "delivered," "killed," "terminated," "ended," etc., and described in gruesome detail the detachment of the limbs and head. That is what happened inside of me, in my womb, to all three of my unborn children. I paid someone to do this. Just because murder is easy does not mean it should be easily accessible or dismissed. The fact that members of Congress and the current White House Administration are aware of this process and still continue to advocate the practice of murdering a human child up until a minute before it's delivery is appalling, heinous, evil, sickening, disturbing and unacceptable. Clearly, such sociopathic narcissists should not be representing an entire population/nation of people or writing laws with such flawed reasoning.

Accepting Jesus into my heart and allowing God to change my life for His will was and is the best choice I have ever made. By choosing Him, I chose life, and was able to choose life for my child finally. I was able to meet my son, the best and most undeserved blessing of my life. I am not worthy, yet God's forgiveness and sacrifice for me has afforded me the opportunity to live for Him, and He has changed my life in a million ways and made it so incredibly much better a thousandfold. This testimony is the very beginning of my healing and redemption journey. This is why I am silent no more!


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