Hello and may I say that after many years of anger, regret, frustration, guilt, not feeling loved, not loving myself, and not knowing why I did the things I did....I am at peace.
Hope and healing from my 2 abortions took several years. The silence and putting it out of my mind swept up in waves of emotions I didn't understand. I'm so thankful that the truth is being brought into the light. I know that I know, I will see my children in Heaven! That God loves me, and that I am forgiven!
My story started as a young girl who lacked self-esteem, love of herself and rejection. My parents came from broken homes. My dad was gone most of the time on the road as a truck driver. My mom worked in a factory, mostly night shifts. As a young teenager, my siblings and I were left alone to care for ourselves. I grew up way too fast, my parents finally divorced. I longed to be loved and soon I would find it in all the wrong places.
I had a basic understanding that there was a God, but had no relationship with him. To me he was also distant. One thing we did have was horses, and I had a love for them. At 15 years of age, in the tent where my horse was stabled, I lost my virginity to a 19 year old man. Looking back, I didn't know to respect my body. I actually didn't have any feelings toward this man. He was nice enough. He was paying attention to me. That was enough. He took advantage. I didn't see it at the time. I had a couple more meet ups with this individual. I missed my period, then another. It was several months before I came to the realization, I WAS PREGNANT. I was in total denial!!! Numb!!! SCARED!
By the time I told my mother, I was almost 5 months pregnant. I didn't want to be pregnant, I just wanted it to all go away as if it never happened. The abortion hospital was three hours away. At that time, they allowed late term abortions. I have delivered babies as I have living children too. The labor is the same, delivery the same, only no Joy came on this day. I have to say, I don't have a lot of memories of those days. I was numb to most of it. Putting it out of my mind. Being 5 months pregnant., the only option was to go to a hospital were they allowed late term abortions. The procedure, I do remember,
Horrific! The indifference of the individual who injected my baby with the solution that ultimately killed my unborn child. I can't tell you if that was a man or woman. I was in a room with another woman. who was having her third abortion. I layed there hearing her cries and screams as she labored and finally delivered her dead child. I can say child now. I thought to myself, I will never let this happen again. Never! How could she have made that mistake over and over. My judgment would also come back to haunt me. I kept telling myself, this is legal after all. They say it’s not a baby yet.... Right? Little did I know the suffering of those losses that would follow in years to come. The labor started, it intensified. I was all alone, with the exception of the woman lying in the bed next to me. A sheet divided us during our deliveries. I could hear her weeping after her abortion. And then the intense pain and birth of my dead child. The nurse had checked on me from time to time and knew I would deliver soon. She was there for a brief period. She placed the baby in a plastic tub like discarded trash. I remember the sound, and she walked out of the room. carrying the tub. I was there by myself, left with all my emptiness. I thought at the time my life could go back to normal and proceed with my future.
I pushed the memories out of my mind whenever they would seep in. That worked, at least that is what I told myself. I became promiscuous and started drinking, I thought I was being choosy! I thought maybe they would love me if I gave them what they wanted. I was drinking more, and it became a weekly thing. More bad choices, and pregnant again at 17. This time I was just a couple months pregnant. I made the choice to have another abortion. I thought I was doing the right thing, that I wasn't ready to have a baby, that it would ruin his life and mine. This time the procedure was less invasive, or so I thought. It was less painful, less pregnant. I told myself it wasn't a child.
Pregnant again and gave birth to son at 19. I decided I needed to take ownership of my choices. I married a man I wasn't in love with. It lasted three years and then divorced. I had other relationships. I finally married again and had 3 children with my husband. We both came from broken homes. Our marriage was rocky. We did the best we knew how. Neither of us were happy. There was an emptiness in me that I expected him to fill. I was wrong to think that any one person or any person can do that for me. Our brokenness collided, I became bitter and resentful at everything. I felt alone even in my marriage. I cried out to God, I became thirsty for Him. I reached out to a woman's fellowship group. I started counseling. My walk with Jesus continued, the healing continued. I was having Jesus encounters though dreams visions, his word, through songs. One particular D/V, short for dream- vision. I call them this as this wasn't a dream. They were vivid and I was in the presence of Jesus. As I'm writing this, tears are flowing. Jesus wants all of you to know the same thing he showed me that day. Our children are with him. In this D/V, Jesus was holding three beautiful babies. Jesus was smiling up at me. The babies were all snuggling with him, their beautiful eyes shimmering up at me.
He then introduced me to my baby girls. Jess, Jules, and Jade. I looked upon them and looked back at Jesus, we both smiled. I was so full of love! Then I awoke, with tears streaming down my face, thanking God for that moment. I laughed at how their names all started with a J, not something I would do I thought, and not names I would have thought about. Oh, I should mention the third child was a miscarriage during my marriage to my second husband. I journaled about my encounters as I became more in love with the one who always loved me. Jesus didn't reject me, he waited lovingly and with patience. He was always there. We have choices in this life. Jesus is turning my mess into a message. At one point I felt the Holy Spirit tell me I would share my testimony for others so that they may find healing. It reminded me of the lyrics from a song from Meatloaf, "I will do anything for love, but I won't do that, no I won't do that" Just like thinking I would lose it all if I had a child when I was so young myself. I found myself saying I will lose my family if I share that. It’s too taboo, I will be judged, to painful, to this, to that..... it’s too hard, I can't, I can't! I CAN'T.
God can take us to a place, where we think we have lost it all anyway. He doesn't do it, He allows it for his glory. We pray for trials and tribulations to go away. We can pray away the miracle of what God wants to do in our lives. We love because he first loved us. A few years went by, my life still had turmoil. My marriage fell apart, a child with illness. Though yet another program, I came to a place of surrender! I thought if I could control things around me and others, I could save them from pain. I have surrendered it all to the one who heals. Two years ago, I attended another recovery program. Part of this program is writing a letter to my children in Heaven, asking for forgiveness. Forgiving others was key for my healing, as well as forgiving myself! I had held resentment towards my parents and others. I had been working on it, and occasional would pick that back up. Forgiveness was for me, to allow what God wanted to do in my life. We all have a story. My parents were broken too. During this program, we created birth certificates with our children's names. I realized the names Jesus had given me were nicknames, shortened from their full name.
It’s not unusual for a name to be put on your heart. (Holy Spirit) Many come into the program with names, and some not. It’s all ok! When Jesus first gave me the names, I became curious and searched out baby names during those years. I kept wondering if Jess was a boy or girl. I felt Jess was a girl. To no surprise, Jessica, Julia or Julie were very popular names at the time of my abortions 45 years ago. My husband and I are separated. I haven't told him about my encounter and that he has a daughter in Heaven. I’m praying about that and the timing. I will see my children again, Jessica Lynn, Julia Marie and Jaden Ann.
I'm silent no more because I know there are others out there in pain, like I was. I am touched with how God has already used my testimony to share with an individual who was hurting deeply. I was touched with how God used me. If I can help one who helps one! There is hope, there is healing and forgiveness for all. This past year sitting on my porch, I heard faintly but clearly, as if from a deep long megaphone, the harmonic voices of my girls, "Happy Mother’s Day" I wept! Now I say, I CAN!