My heart is broken

My boyfriend and I were engaged, but mom couldnt stand him. I was 19 years old and wanted to keep the baby and get married. I really wish I had just done that. My mother coerced me. My boyfriend was killed (decapitated) in a car accident about six months later (after the abortion and after my father threatened to shoot him.)

[It was] an assembly-line process. No one was there to talk me out of this. I really wish someone had described my baby as a human being with fingers, toes and a heartbeat! I know that I would have not been influenced into having an abortion. I knew, deep down, that it was wrong, and even went out and drank a whole bottle of whisky the night before.

I swept it under the rug for eleven years. My mom was relieved I guess. But I felt horrible. My self esteem plummeted. I started dating my now husband and got married one year after the abortion. My mom only tries to patronize me when I bring it up with her. She still doesnt think it was so bad.

Well, I gave birth to my daughter in 1993, and a son in 1995. This is what opened my eyes to what love is all about. How could I have denied the existence of the blessing inside me? I cast all of the mother nature instincts to care for and protect my young aside. How could I? I somewhat resent my mom now, although I try not to blame her for my actions.

The crying got so bad, I thought I was going crazy. I was depressed, but couldnt understand why. Then I read about the Partial-Birth Abortion and how it is performed. That is what caused me to realize the atrocity of what an abortion is. I realized that any abortion is wrong. Its not just a blob of blood! Its a human being with a heartbeat. Abortion is an outrageous act of murder and should never be permitted! Why is it legal?! When I think about these things, I can no longer imagine this happened to someone else other than myself! Shame on me! I began praying for guidance from the Lord. He led me to the right people who had open ears and hearts (my closest friends, including my priest and a reverend). Now, I will be undergoing post-abortion treatment/counseling offered through a crisis pregnancy center.

(I only wish Id consulted one of these centers at the critical time of decision before the abortion took place!) I know that I would have changed my mind, after listening to good, moral people. I would have given God a chance to send His Spirit upon me and to do what was right. I keep dwelling on the past. What I am experiencing however, is grief mostly! Songs such as "Jesus Loves Me" or "I will Always Love You," (by Dolly Parton) or even "America the Beautiful," cause me to cry. I just didnt give my baby a chance at life. I will never be able to go back and undo what Ive done (like so many other things can be "fixed"). Ill never be able to hold my baby and watch him/her grow up. This just rips my heart wide open! I feel like a murderer and indeed I am. I want to do everything I can do to help others stay clear from the path that I took. (I absolutely love motherhood and would have 6 more children if I could.) Ive joined Georgia Right to Life. Ive been writing letters to my politicians and plan on volunteering at a Crisis Pregnancy Center after I have post-abortion counseling.

My life is nothing compared to what would be. I would feel wholeness and complete, full of self-esteem if I had kept my baby. Now, I cry a lot and I want to do everything I can in helping with the pro-life movement! My heart is broken.