The minute I told my boyfriend I was pregnant, he responded, "you know you're getting an abortion, right?" As I was on a medication that hadn't been tested on pregnant women, he quickly told me he'd never forgive me if I had a baby with birth defects, adding that it wouldn't be fair to the child.  I was scared.  He was the only person I felt close to so I listened to him. 

During the abortion, I experienced pain and regret, immediately.   I took the medical abortion pill.  I passed blood clots the size of oranges.  I felt sick as I flushed my baby down the toilet.  I paused for a moment, wondering if I should try to find my baby in the mess of blood clots.   
Immediately after the abortion I experienced complete despair.  I wanted to die.  I wanted my boyfriend to find me.  I was ready to die. I was ready to go to Hell because I murdered my baby.  I hated myself for a long time.

As time went, I felt and experienced total confusion. I became disconnected from reality.  I didn't know what to do with my life.  I couldn't stop thinking of what life would be like if I still had my baby.  I was drawn to the baby "things," such as clothes and diapers.  I tried in vain to get my life in order so I would be prepared when the time was right to have a baby.

I found help and forgiveness through Jesus Christ.  I never really knew who Jesus was.  When I understood that He was sacrificed to save someone like me, a lowly despicable sinner, my heart cried for joy.  I longed for freedom from my sin.